Doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?

All's as well in my lung as it's going to be and today, I finally got the news I wanted to hear: in 6 months, I will have my last oncologist appointment. That means a clear bill of health and a return to normalacy, as much as my life has ever been normal.

I've been doing this since I was 20, when I started having the bruising problems and when the haemorrages started... when it didn't matter how much sleep I got, I was always tired... By the time I go back in November, it will be almost 3 1/2  years to the day since I got my first blood draw with abnormal results. It's going to be wierd to not have to go back anymore.

I kind of feel like I should celebrate, but I don't know how. I guess I'll think about it more after I get the all clear.

Power has just finally come back on.

12:14 // 15 October

(copied in from Notepad)

I hate MassElectric. Feeeeeeeerrrrrrvently. When I went to bed last night, everything was fine. When Steven woke me up this morning, the first thing out of his mouth was "I have good news and bad news." Evidently, there was an electrical fire/faulty wire/stupid person playing electrican somewhere in the complex last night which resulted in a ground fault. I guess we're kind of lucky, where we are. Our apartment straddles the line between complete power outage and normal power. Unfortunately, the lack of power has effected both our refrigerator and our stove. Nothing else in the kitchen, of course, only the important things. If I want a cup of tea, I am going to have to nuke it. Christ. So far, we've lost a gallon of milk, a full package of bacon, my pumpkin puree, and a half gallon of ice cream. I've got to get around to calling the super and asking if I can deduct the cost of things I have to replace from my rent this month. I somehow doubt it, but it's worth a try.

Of course, when I talked to the MassElectric this morning, they told me someone had to be here, just in case. I have been home, not showering in case someone was going to knock, since 7:30. I am not happy. They disappeared about an hour ago. Still no fucking electricity. Wait, looks like a couple of them are back. I just heard another tenant outside reaming one of them about how she's had to call in to work and there's been no reason for her to be here. That would be me, if I were outside. I am so not in a good mood. This week has been such complete shit.

Speaking of crappy, I have my 6 month at the end of the month. Ironically enough, I'm going to find out the status of my lungs on All Souls Day. My CT scan falls on my friend Jooly's birthday. I'm edgy about going in light of how I've felt recently. I've been insanely tired (might be from insomnia), I've been getting nosebleeds, I've found a few ugly little bruises in odd spots, and I have a couple little wounds that simply refuse to heal. I don't want to go and hear that my nodules have gotten bigger. It's been a year and a half of check ups and so far, so good. If this one goes well, only three more years.

I need a shower wicked bad. I'm guessing I could sneak in a quick one without anyone coming to the door.

Here's Laura's survey. Yay!

SECTION 1: (You)

* Your name: Samantha
* Your gender: female
* Age: 23
* Height: 5'3
* Hair color/style: strawberry blonde darkening to winter auburn, curly and longish
* Eye color: hazel
* Marital status: SO
* Your location: Weymouth
* Talents: no gag reflex, double jointed, singing
* Fears: I have a few


SECTION 2: (Have you ever...?)

* Peed your pants: I was a hideous child to potty train
* Cheated on someone?: yep
* Fallen off the bed?: yes
* Fallen for a relative?: My relatives are all too scary
* Had plastic surgery?: with these knockers, eventually. Especially if I lose weight and they stay the same size.
* Broke someone's heart?: probably
* Had your heart broken?: nope
* Had a dream come true: yep
* Done something you regret?: who hasn't?
* Cheated on a test?: no
* Been raped?: I'm going with Laura. What kind of question is that?
* Broken a body part?: yes

SECTION 3: (Whatcha doin' now?)

* Wearing: my black satin PJs and hot pink and silver knickers
* Listening to: news
* Chewing: nothing
* Feeling: pissy
* Reading: journals
* Located: my living room
* Chatting with: Laura
* Watching: TV news
* Should REALLY be: I'd be home at this time anyway.


SECTION 4: (Do you...?)

* Brush your teeth?: Yep
* Like anybody?: depends on the day
* Have any piercings?: 7
* Drive? yes
* Believe in Santa Claus?: of course, we're tight. At least, that's what I tell my stepson.
* Ever get off the computer?: yep

SECTION 5: (Friends...?)

* Who is your best?: Dawn
* Who is the loudest?: they're all kind of quiet
* Who is the shyest?: Joy
* Who is the 'hottest'?: me!
* Who is the cutest?: me, damnit!
* Who laughs the most?: not sure
* Who have you known the longest?: Dawn
* Who have you known the shortest?: most of the people I met through Steven
* Do you belong to a crew?: no
* Do you hang out with the opposite sex?: yes
* Do you consider yourself POPULAR?: hell, yea
* Do you trust your friends?: generally
* Are you a good friend?: I guess
* Can you keep a secret?: yes

SECTION 6: (The last person you...?)

* Hugged online: Steven
* IMed: Laura
* Talked to on the phone: my mom
* Yelled at: Steven
* Tripped: myself
* Turned down: no one. I'm weakwilled.

SECTION 7: (Personal)

* What do you want to be when you grow up?: I'm going to teach
* What was the worst day of your life?: birth?
* What is your most embarrassing story?: There are loads.
* What has been the best day of your life?: Let's see.. Not married, no kids... According to society, I haven't had any good days yet.
* What comes first in your life?: showering
* Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: yes

* If you had an extra set of eyes where would you put them?: back of my head
* What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: why can't I fall asleep.


SECTION 8: (Favorite...?)

* Movie:
* Song:
* Group:
* Store:
* Relative: my grandparents
* Sport: baseball or hockey
* Vacation spot: Europe
* Ice cream flavor: peppermint stick
* Fruit: pomegranates
* Candy:
* Holiday: Halloween
* Day of the week: Friday
* Colour: violet
* Magazine: Playboy
* Name for a girl: Calico
* Name for a boy: Talisin


SECTION 9: (Do you...?)

* Like to give hugs?: no, but lots of people hug me.
* Like to walk in the rain?: if it's warm.
* Sleep with or without clothes on?: naked
* Prefer black or blue pens?: blue
* Dress up on halloween?: Yes
* Have a job?: no
* Like to travel?: yes
* Like someone?: yes
* Sleep on your side, tummy or back?: Side. I wheeze on my back.
* Think you're attractive?: I guess sometimes
* Want to marry?: in a couple years. LAURA! I'll marry you and we can both have super pretty dresses!
* Have a goldfish?: Nope. A pleco named Ugly and a fat little baby molly
* Ever have the falling dream?: yes
* Have stuffed animals?: not really
* Go on vacation?: not recently


SECTION 10: (What do you think about...?)

* Abortion: Should be up to the person having it.
* Bill Clinton: is highly amusing
* Eating disorders: meh
* Suicide: Meh
* Summer: I love summer
* Tattoos: I like them
* Piercings: "
* Make-up: is ok sparingly
* Drinking: socially
* Guys: have penisies (penii?)
* Girls: don't.


SECTION 11: (This or that?)

* Pierced nose or tongue?: nose
* Be serious or funny?: serious
* Single or taken?: taken
* Simple or complicated?: I wish things were simple.
* Law or anarchy?: law
* MTV or BET?: M2
* 7th heaven or dawson's creek?: nope
* Sugar or salt?: saaaaaaalt
* Silver or gold?: Silver
* Tongue or belly button ring?: nose
* Chocolate or flowers?: flowers
* Angels or miracles?: miracles
* Colour or black-and-white photos?: B/W
* Sunrise or sunset?: Sunset
* M&M's or Skittles?: skittles
* Rap or rock?: Rock
* Stay up late or sleep in?: both..?
* TV or radio?: depends
* Hot or cold?: comfortable
* Taller members of the opposite sex or shorter?: Taller than me
* Sun or moon?: Moon
* Diamond or ruby?: ruby
* Left or right?: either
* 10 acquaintances or one best friend?: Best Friend
* Vanilla or chocolate?: chocolate
* Kids or no kids?: kids
* Cat or dog?: Both!!
* Half-empty or half-full?: Both
* Mustard or ketchup?: Ketchup
* Newspaper or magazine?: Newspaper
* Give or receive?: give
* Rain or snow?: Rain
* Lace or satin?: satin
* A year of hot sex or a lifetime of friendship?: Friendship
* Happy or sad?: happy
* Corduroy or plaid?: Plaid!
* Wonder or amazement?: wonder
* Sneakers or sandals?: Sandals
* McDonald's or Burger King?: WENDYS
* Mexican or italian food?: mexican
* Lights on or off? on
* Duct tape or scotch tape?: Duct, always
* Candy or pop?: soda
* A house in the woods or the city?: city
* Pepsi or coke?: pepsi
* Nike or adidas?: Skechers

SECTION 12: (Other questions...)

* Do you go to church?: sometimes
* Do you like church?: eh.
* Why or why not?: it's quiet.
* What's your favorite kind of tree?: cherry
* Out of all your friends, who has the coolest house?: Sam R.

The bloodwork went. I bawled and hyperventilated the whole time and they took like 12oz. of blood for 9 million tests. I have to go back the 11th. for another CT scan, but no contrast dye this time. At least I can handle having a CT scan. Hopefully, I won't have to have anymore sticks. I hate giving.

Seriously, I was upset enough to want to sit on Steven's lap this morning and I never want to do that. I've been super touchy all day, though, because I've felt gross. I slept most of the day in the car, except when we stopped for lunch. That's not unusual for me, though, after having blood draws.

I have an interview in Kingston at the Limited tomorrow. I'm very eh about it. I don't want to drive that far, especially heading into the Holiday Season. I don't have the luxury of saying no, however. I need something, even if I keep looking. All my interview clothes are set; I just need to go to bed.

This ambien is making it hard to type anything. More tomorrow about how my home improvement projects are going.

I should go to bed. I just took the ambien and am just killing time until it kicks in. That and I'm half-ass watching Food TV on school lunches. I can't believe it's almost September. In fact, a week from tomorrow is Labour Day.

Tomorrow is going to suck. I need to call the lady from The Limited back to let her know that I do, indeed, want to schedule and interview for the time being, even though the job is in Kingston and I do not want to drive that far; I need to call Massasoit and make sure that my financial aid stuff has gone through and, if it has, register for classes and I'm having more bloodwork in the morning. Yay for me. I hate having bloodwork. Steven's going to call me around 9 so I have time to get up, shower, take an ativan, and put my EMLA on before I go to the lab. Yay for fucking cancer tests.

Our fish, Caesar, is still living despite the odds of having spent $14.14 on medicine, new rocks, and a new filter for him yesterday, when he was literally on Death's door. He's looking better now; I guess the meds we bought for him really do a number on whatever he has when you catch it in time. I just feel really guilty that I couldn't catch it in time to save Uncle Creepy. I felt so bad yesterday when we found him dead...

We ended up getting to the game in the bottom of the 7th. They won 11-5, which they really needed, since they're in the middle of a penant race. I think they're tied for second in the league right now and a game or so behind Quebec, who are the league leaders right now. They're also first in the wild card race, if it comes to that. If they make the playoffs, we're going to have to find a way to get the money to see a couple games of the series. I'd love to see Brockton get a championship. They've played incredibly well this year.

New monitor makes funny buzzing sounds I'm not used to. It's kind of freaky.

No game tomorrow night. I think I'm going to work on my refinishing projects and maybe pull apart the fan and clean it because it's filthy. I'm considering hosing it down like I did the blind today. Seemed to work pretty well. If not, I'll clean it the old fashioned, elbow grease way. I think we're going to try (read: I'm going to start, get frustrated, and Steven, because he's a sweetheart, will end up doing it for me before I break something.) to put the DVD player/home theatre up. This is the same thing that happened yesterday with the TV stand. I got frustrated and he offered. He also vaccuumed for me yesterday as well. I could not have gotten all the work done without him.

Hopefully tomorrow is not a frustrating day. Maybe a trip to the maket and the fabric store, then some more refinishing. I think that will be my new hobby: refinishing things for my new room. I need to get picture hangers so I can put up my awesome silk embroidered chinese ...painting... I guess. I just don't know where to put it.

I do, however, have my little maneki neko back in my room in a promient place. Hopefully, she will bring me the good luck I need. I'd really like to get one of the big ones from Chinatown next time we go in. I think they're amazing good luck charms. Steven took my to this place called the Silky Way. I'm so in love with it.. I want to go back so badly. Well, when I have cash to buy things for the room.

Things I Still Need For Room:

material for curains

prints and frames to decorate walls

a bigger/more traditional maneki neko

dry erase/cork board

stuff to make shelves

That's all I can think of for now. I totally need sleep. I cannot type anymore.

Having a completely shit night. I haven't been feeling well recently and last night, I found a new bruise on the inside of my thigh. Today, I had another one start to come up on the inside of my other leg, in a different place. I've been coughing more and more, so hard I threw up today at work, after trying to clean the bathroom. I've been getting nosebleeds, as well as coughing up blood, too. I'm scared shitless.

Why is it that nothing every goes as planned? I was supposed to be all better when Dr. Mei saw me in November. She said that there was "nothing to worry about" and I was fine, nothing further needed to be pursued. Why don't I feel well then? Why am I still losing weight and bruising so easily? Why am I getting shooting pains in my chest? I want to be all better. I'm sick of getting chills, then sweating and back again. I'm scared that this is going to spread throughout my chest and kill me. I'm scared of more needles, more blood work, more tests, more hospitals... of dying alone in a cold, sterile room with no one there. I just want to be well and to never see a doctor again. Instead, I feel worse and worse.

I hate fucking crying, but I have this huge lump in my throat from not. I never really cried over the cancer thing. I've just been internalizing it, letting it eat me away inside, and dealing with everything but.. It's hard to do that when you're alone and all the monsters come out for you.

So much for sleep tonight... And Steve wonders why I look like hell all the time.

Having a pissy night... I've been in a funk all day. I couldn't sleep this morning, didn't feel like cleaning, didn't want to be home, went to the mall with Matt; decided I didn't want to be there either, came home, caught up with Steve who needed me to burn one programme or another to disk. He hauled my ass out of the house for a little while to watch the Patriots vs. Raiders game at his parents.

We mutually depressed each other. It was grand.

He told his wife he wanted them to get counseling. I guess she agreed. He's not handling it well. I don't know how I would handle it if I were in his shoes.. Marriage counseling is the last ditch effort and it usually spells divorce. I don't know a lot of couples who come out of counseling with a viable relationship. I don't necessarily think that it helps, more that it adds finality and closure, as well as eases the mind with the knowledge that all options have been suitably exhausted. I hope that things will work out for him, nonetheless. It's not fun to watch your friends suffer, regardless.

I'm getting anxious about Tuesday. I've been having a hard time sleeping, as well as a lot of very vivid dreams. My mind must be working overtime. I had one calming dream about Paris, the other night. It's funny; I think about it now and it's so clear that it's like a memory. I literally felt like I was there. I keep retreating back to that when I reach overload. It's been one of the only bright points in the last week.

I've hit a real low point recently. I don't know if it's the transition from autumn to winter, from losing my job, from the cancer thing, or just general malaise. My head hurts, I'm exhuasted but can't sleep, I don't want to talk to anyone, but don't want to be alone, either.

I should go to bed, but I know I won't sleep, either. Steve said he'd call tomorrow. He's the only person not driving me insane right now. Actually, he's the only person I don't want to kill after five minutes right now... I guess misery really does love company. Everyone else is either denying any potential illness or expecting me to just deal and be upbeat or to be suicidally depressed. I'm just existing. I haven't dealt with anything yet, nor do I want to until after Tuesday.

God, I ramble.

All right, should sleep... Maybe make another 711 run with Matt.. Who knows.

The PET scan wasn't as bad as I anticipated yesterday. The nuclear tech and the head nurse were very good about telling me how everything would feel and what they were doing when, so I actually managed not to completely lose it.

On the other hand, Steve looked and passed out. They jokingly said that next time, they would get us two gurneys so we could both lie down.

The actual scanning took forever. They scanned from the top of my eyebrows to my mid-thigh, in sections that each took ten minutes. At least after the first twenty, I could kind of look around and talk to Steve, who they let stay in the doorway. I get to swing back by today to drop off my CT scans, which I had forgotten.

This further reminds me. I got my cancer card yesterday. I am now an official, card carrying patient of the Dana Farber. Evidently, I get mad discounts on parking and stuff. Yay.

I have another week of waiting before I'll know anything. Bah.

Work again this afternoon. Steve and I both managed to totally eke out yesterday off, but, as always, there was some sort of catastrophe caused by fucking Stewart. He claimed that the cash drawer was $80 short and, instead of calling John, who closed the night before, or Steve who is the, you know, manager, he called LP and Tracy, who blames John for everything.

Well, Steve just called to let me know he's picking me up earlier than anticipated. I need to shower.

Ugh... I finally have a morning off for the first time in a week. I managed to work 75+ hours because the drug dealer that Tracy refuses to fire called in for the whole week. Steve can't necessarily work mornings because of Elliott, so that leaves me working doubles every fucking day. At least my paycheque will be good this Friday.

Halloween was a fucking zoo. I dressed up as a Catholic schoolgirl and Steve dressed up as Neo from The Matrix. I'll eventually develop the roll of film it's on and scan the pictures in. I'm so cool.

I need to shower. We have to head in for a couple hours today since the regional is coming in sometime next week. I'm really hoping it's not one of the days that I'm going to be working a double on (>_<). Tracy was already in on two of my double days and somewhat bitched that I was out of dress code. I'll start being in dress code when I get a damn day off. She hasn't lifted a finger in the store other than to mess things up this week.

Matt's birthday is next Saturday, so I'm guaranteed one day off. Steve was mentioning that we might be able to eke out Thursday off, as well. He has bowling and I just fucking need some time off. I also know that I am definitely taking off the 12th. because of my 2:30 PET scan and the 23rd. to go and see my sister. (I'm adding this in because theoretically, now I'll remember to tell Steve about this.)

It's only snowed once so far, but it's been damn cold. I'm not used to leaving the mall in 30 degree weather yet. They already have all the Christmas decorations up in the mall. At least they waited until after Halloween, though not by much.

I think I want cocoa.

I've decided that everything completely and utterly sucks. I had my oncology consult yesterday, which went remarkably badly, as far as my behaviour is concerned.

They waited a little on the long side to take me in and draw more blood, so the emla cream that I had on started to wear off a litte and I could feel the needle in my arm while they were taking blood. I was sobbing and howling, which made Steve upset and prompted him to look to see how close they were to being done with the siphoning which made him dizzy and woozy. Not good. They had to get him a glass of water and I had to lay down for the better part of 45 minutes and I still was lightheaded.

I'm going to do the news in stages. On the bright side, my WBC and platelets have come down a little from where they were before. They're now not more than 10% above what they should be. The bad news is that they're still high, I did lose a lot of weight, I still have no appetite, and I'm still bruising pretty badly. Dr. Mei, the woman I saw, had me schedule an appointment for a CT scan of my chest, abdominal, and pelvic regions and another appointment to have more blood taken to see what's going on. She's also rerunning every test that my doctor did to double check their accuracy. Thankfully, they took six vials yesterday and have enought to do what they need to.

My right arm is bruised to hell. I don't know where I got these, but I noticed them tonight at work. My fucking cunt DM called, as well, and gave me the whole "the whole team is here for you and we're rooting for you" shit, after I rendered her speechless when I told her what was up. Funny, she wanted off the phone pretty quickly after that. I can't imagine why... Stupid whore.

I need sleep. I feel sick and Steve is going to be here early in the morning to get me for work. I don't want to be home anymore than I have to now. I just want to be busy.

I'm so tired. I just got home from work about half an hour ago and I'm due back in the morning by 10:30. Yuck. I've been there every day since last Saturday and it looks like next week is going to be shaping up the same way.

I'm going to donate more blood on Tuesday. I've been dwelling a lot more on the eventuality of the appointment, especially with it being in just a couple days. I've been really cranky because of it. The anxiety about it is killing what meagre appetite I had, plus I've been throwing up pretty much everything I eat because I'm so stressed out. I keep getting nasty acid reflux, too. I can feel it burning the back of my throat now, as a matter of fact. Gross.

I treated myself to an Urban Decay lipstain, as well as a Hustler shirt because if this. The lipstain is awesome. It seriously does not budge, at all. I slept with it on last night and my lips were still red in the morning. I definitely consider it worth the $17 it cost me. I'm also treating myself to a couple new bras this week as soon as I can get over to Emerald Square Mall. Stupid big effing breasts. I want to be able to try the bras on, since I can go either a 36DD or an 34F, depending on the cut of the bra and whether or not it has pads in the bottoms. I wish that there was a Frederick's closer than Emerald Square.

I'm planning on baking a pie at some point this week. I think Steve is bringing me home some apples in addition to the apples Matt and I bought last week when we were up to see Dawn, Mike, and the baby, who has become enormous. Dawn was saying that he's 26 lbs. now, which is bigger than Elliott. Brendan is huge for a 9 month old baby. He's totally crawling on everything, too. I need to get up there more often to see him. I just wish it wasn't so far away or so tiring. I came back dead tired last Saturday night.

I'm dying. I totally need to go to bed and get a good amount of sleep before all the damn work I have to do tomorrow.