Doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?

I really hate Dr. Phil: "I know how all you women out there like this wedding stuff, so this is just for you." Goddamn, bloody sexist jackass. I'd change the channel if I wasn't so lazy today. I wonder if he bought the daughter in law implants...

I don't know why I pay for the interwebz when I can never connect to my own connection. I also wish my computer would decide which connection it liked and stopped switching every 35 seconds.

I keep forgetting to mention things. My doctor is going to write a note to my insurance company that it's medically necessary for me to have a breast reduction. I guess more than a year of having almost now feeling in my ring and pinkie fingers on both hands is finally a good enough reason. I'm going to start looking for a surgeon after the wedding and hopefully, I'll get approved to have it by this summer. It will be so awesome to buy cheap bras again.

Especially since I just spent £30 odd on a bra yesterday. It's cute though and aubergine and a push-up bra because when you're as busty as I am, that's what you totally need.

Almost all registered at UMB. I need one more class and I should be able to do that on Tuesday, if not sooner. My new laptop battery arrived today and is charging (I'm using Steven's computer right now.) Dawn, Mike, and Brendan are here. Yay!

Today I came to the conclusion that when I get my breasts reduced, I will never, ever wear a bra except while working or working out.

Dear Breasts:

I am going to be 24 this summer and so are you girls. That means all three of us are a good 10 years out of puberty. You remember puberty, right? That was when you ladies blossomed from pretty much innocent bystanders into C cup sized centres of attention. We had good times then. You certainly knew how to fill out a shirt with the best of them

Well, I guess you liked the attention, as well as some of the hormones in OrthoTriCyclen and decided that C just wasn't good enough for you. That was average, you know, just like the grade in school. I didn't mind when you girls expanded your horizons into D cups, really. It wasn't that big of a stretch, you looked great, and we could still go places together and fit in. Even DD wasn't too huge of a change. We were still ok in most places, though there were a few that weren't as accomodating as we needed.

But it seems all of the new attention, whether from bras or boys, went to your head. You girls literally got too big for your britches. I told you to slow down, things were moving ahead too fast, but you didn't listen, did you? You didn't slow down and by the time you two were done, you were Fs. It's caused a lot of trouble, you know. Because of what you two have made of yourselves, a lot of doors have shut to us. Vicky's is not a place we are welcome anymore. Oh, you two thought Vicky was going to welcome you back around Christmas time, but it was a ploy. Things aren't going to change with there anytime soon. In fact, we aren't really welcome at a lot of the places, save for the internet and, well, Lady Grace still loves you two, but it's not the same. Lady Grace is nice, but she just doesn't understand girls our age.

After some rocky times together, I finally accepted you two again. You seemed stable. You hadn't done anything crazy in a year and a half. I thought we could all be friends again. I thought I could trust you two. I welcomed you back, I bought you pretty things. Steven takes good care of you (I dare say he likes you better than I do right now.) Things were good and then you went and betrayed me again. You two are growing again.

At first, I thought maybe it was a little extra fluid. I know things can shift throughout the month and I understand. You girls let me believe it. You never bothered to admit the truth to me: you two decided to get bigger again.

Let's get one thing straight, girl. I am not a porn star. By proxy, neither are you two. Unless I change my mind, you girls aren't going to be porn stars unless the rest of me goes along. And, I hate to break it to you, homemade porn isn't really an excuse for being ginormous.

I know you don't think it's a big deal, that you're "in proportion" with the rest of me, but my ass is not going to cooperate with you forever. In fact, my ass is pretty committed to getting smaller. You two are going to be the odd men... er, girls... out.

I don't want this to sound like a threat, because I am very attached to you, but I want you to understand that if you keep doing this, I will have no choice but to cut you off. You've got to understand, it's not just me you're bothering. You give my back trouble, you irritate the nerves in my shoulders with your constant weighty issues. You're weighing me down, not to mention putting a huge drain on my wallet. I just can't afford you two when every time you need something, it's at least $60 or more. You don't fit in anywhere, you cause havoc whenever we go shopping, you're just generally too unruly.

I'm sorry it had to come to this. It's hard for me to tell you girls this because we've had some great times. I remember when we were so cute together not that long ago and I've gotten great pleasure out of your company. For now, I'm going to keep supplying you girls because, really, I've got no other choice. It's not like I can just let you two bounce around whereever you want. I just want you to consider this a warning to stop your ways. We could live happily like we are now, but you have to cooperate with the rest of me and stop your constant expansion.

Please, take a page from my ass. Start to shape up or I will have to ship you out.

Love,
Samantha

~*~

As you can probably guess, I decided to try on a couple of my bras tonight, now that I've lost a bit of weight, to see how they look. Well, I figured out where the weight from my ass went. I didn't actually lose it; it migrated to my tits. I have outgrown at least two of my bras, including the push-up bra that I dearly loved. I'm not talking about massive, I look like I have a baby's bum, business side up, stuffed in my shirt. I'm talking quadra boob, where you can see exactly where my bra is and the line it creates because a good portion of Lefty has squeezed out.

I thought they were growing again, but I chalked it up to all the painkillers I was taking. Well, I'm off of them now and my boobs are still big. At least I have a few formerly roomy Fs that I now totally fill out, which is good, in a way, since I am not desperate to buy new bras like I was the last time they grew, but I am going to have to replace a couple of them, including the beautiful pistachio green one I just bought this winter. I swear to god, I am the only person who can lose weight and have their tits grow. Well, at least I need new, smaller pants. I am trying to take comfort in that.

You know, I'm starting to think I'm going to have to call them something other than tits, as well. Tits kind of insinuates smaller to me. Maybe I should start calling them gazongas. Heh, maybe I should have a name my boobies contest here.

What else... The baseball game was rained out tonight, so Steven and I went to the mall instead. I got my mum her birthday present (incense, 2 lily of the valley candles from Yankee Candle, a tiny thing of gardenia hand lotion from Bath & Body Works, and the new Pina Colada lotion from Bath & Body Works) and we picked up some antibacterial stuff from there as well, since it was 5 for $10. We won't need to buy soap for ages! We talked to a couple people we hadn't seen for a while, I showed off my surgery scars, and we breezed through JC Penney's. I also got some ideas for what I want to get Steven for Father's Day, as well as got permission to take Elliott out for an afternoon so he can pick out a little something for Steven. Now, I just need to convince my mom to go with us.

My knee is killing me not only from all the walking, but from the weather, as well. I'm starting to get sleepy, but I know I won't be able to find a comfortable position if it keeps aching like this. I'm so glad I hoard painkillers. I'm going to take one and check out a few options for replacement bras while it kicks in.

And here's a survey I yoinked from lisbonlovesjacq

( Survey )

I took Laura's suggestion and made the latest picture of us into an icon. She was definitely right, it does make a good icon. I joking with Steven that we'll make beautiful kids... though, he one upped me the other night when he said we'd end up with green eyed kids, since we both have hazel eyes and light eyed genes.

I ordered a bathing suit yesterday. I've mostly given up the ghost on my tankini top. It just doesn't fit anymore, not to mention that the nylon inside is starting to rip out. Now that I've hit goal weight #1, I'm hoping to hit goal weight #2 by the time summer really gets here. I also want to get a couple of the cute circle skirts at Old Navy before they disappear from fashion again.

It's gorgeous outside again. I'm taking the oppurtunity to break in my new capri pants. I just need to find shoes to wear now.

Steven and I are heading in to UMass Boston today. I'm going to try to transfer to UMB. I'm done with the crap from Bridgewater. I still haven't heard from my damned advisor and it's been over a month. I don't get calls back from anyone. They told me that if I took a medical leave, I would have to withdraw from school and reapply. Why should I bother? I might as well transfer elsewhere if I'm going to have to go through all the crap of reapplying.

Bah. I still need to redownload Sunbird and put all my dates back in. I'm really putting that off. I finally reinstalled Office on the computer because I needed to type something.

And now I need to put my contacts in and put some makeup on. Go me. I have no ambition, whatsoever.

I've been really trying to lose weight since this summer. Steven and I switched gyms in an effort to be motivated more. (Of course, this is where I hurt my knee, but I can still use the pool.) Steven's been fantasically supportive about keeping my motivated, keeping my spirits up, and eating healthier with me. Not to mention telling me I look great and he loves me, no matter what, when I feel shitty about my body.

Also helping is the fact that I gave up regular soda. It's diet or water now. It's amazing how many useless calories I was adding by drinking soda. I also found I like the taste of diet better, anyway.

I know I've been losing weight because of what the scale says, but honestly, I hadn't noticed much of a change. Sure, my jeans were a little looser, but I chalked it up to stretching out. Same deal with having to tighten my bras up in the back.

Sunday, though, I fit into a pair of jeans that haven't really fit since April. Last night, I was traipsing around naked while getting ready for bed, I looked in the mirror and finally saw a difference. I look thinner from a side view and my curves are more defined full on. Not to mention my tummy fat is finally lessening a little. It totally made my night. Here's hoping that I can keep up the loss, especially when I am laid up from surgery and unable to do much.

( Here's a little more TMI )

I'm so effing tired. I was yakked this morning around 7:30 and continue to feel dizzy as hell. I'm intending on taking a nap when Steven gets home.

I wish this cold would die.

( Sad, Ranting Personal Hooey )

I originally almost titled this "Boobs" because while thinking back on the times we had hung out, I was remembering one time, at the end of my senior year, when a bunch of us piled into a few cars and went down to Nantasket Beach. No one was expecting the water to be as warm as it was and as a result, none of us wore bathing suits. I remember a few of us stripping down to our undergarments to go swimming. I was wearing a bra I had just bought from Victoria's Secret. It was a gorgeous teal colour, lacy, and compared to what I wear now, tiny. It was a 34C. My mom wears it now. I remember laughing because I had matching knickers for it, satin ones, and it looked like I had a bathing suit on, except when you got really close, you could see through the bra. I loved that bra.

I've been thinking about my boobs a lot recently, probably because I've been seriously looking into the laser bra reduction. There's a guy in Brookline who practises that method. I've also been lurking on the boards at Breast Health Online. I like my boobs, to a point, but they are hard to fit, they're starting to hurt now and then, I have grooves and back pain. I'm terrified of scarring and loss of sensation, though. I want to be a D cup, no smaller, and I'm afraid of them being boxy and fake looking. I keep wavering between how much the piss me off (like now, when they're making my shoulders hurt because I'm not wearing a bra or the fact that Steven regularly rolls over on them in his sleep or when none of my effing bras fit) to wondering if I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill. I still want to lose about 30lbs before I do anything seriously, too.

Sigh. I want nothing more than to go curl up with Steven and get some blissful, dreamless sleep. I think the oxycodone is fucking up my dreams. They're all dark and twisted. Then again, if I don't take them, I'm up all night with nasty twinges, stabbing pains, throbbing, and that nice skewer-through-the-knee feeling. Oh well, I start PT next Tuesday and we're going to check out the (new!) pool at the gym tomorrow.

Thank god, the painkiller kicked in. Off to bed I go.

Because I need to type entries after I've had a couple of glasses of wine and... well... other things.

I got the Panache bra that I ordered today and it was a cup size too small. I no longer can qualify myself as a 36E. I wish that, when I had ordered it a week ago, I had gone for the 36F. Christ, a 34FF would have worked too, because the back could go either way. I really needed a cotton candy pink bra, too.

I called today to see if they had any more in the size up, but no. At least the woman I talked to had a super cute British accent that made it somewhat better. I hate spending $30 on a bra and having it not fit. I did find another one for only about a dollar more, so here's hoping the package will return before they sell all out of that one in that size.

I'm tired all of a sudden. I should be updating with big news, very soon, but I don't want to jinx myself yet.

Being big-breasted is kind of like being part of this exclusive, secret club. I'm talking about really big busted, not like "Oh, I wear a D cup." I'm talking about the kind of big busted that means you can't shop in Victoria's Secret anymore. The kind of big busted where you go into Frederick's, try on the largest cup size (which is an American F, by the way) and discover that not only does the cup not fit in your back size, but also in the largest back size they carry, as well. The kind of big busted that means you have to shop at Lady Grace, if you want to try something on and all the bras that they have in your size are made of industrial strength nylon, scratchy lacy, and steel. They all look like throwbacks to the 50s bullet bras. God help you if you want something cute. Nothing cute comes in anything bigger than a D.

There should be a support (no pun intended) club. Hi, I'm Samantha, I'm 22, and I wear a 34FF/36F, depending on the cut and who makes it. I was a 34C when I was younger, but through a combination of hormones, genetics, and Ortho Tricyclen, I am what you see here today.

I hate going into Victoria's Secret and having them try to convince me that I want to try on their newest bra. I tell them, no, I'm sorry, you don't carry my size. Inevitably, the girl will say "Oh, but we have up to a 42DD." and then I tell her that I need a 36F. The salesgirl usually slinks off after that...

I was actually chatting with one of the girls in there when I was buying panties and was telling her about Bravissimo and Figleaves. She was a 36E, but was close enough that she could argue a 38DD on the smallest hook. While we were talking, another woman overheard us who was a 36G. She was delighted when I passed the addresses on to her as well.

Like I said: secret, exclusive club.

~*~

Got my grades today. Culm was 2.25, but I'm going to protest one of the grades. The woman seriously marked me off because she didn't like me. Cunt.

I knew that I had blown my AbPsych final, as well, because I was sick with my bronchitis and sinusitis. I could barely see straight and stay awake, let alone concentrate to take the exam. I'm still upset about that. Stupid goddamn job... I'll be livid if it cost me being able to get back into UMass this semester.

I also found out that my boss has been bitching about me to the other girl who works there. How professional, right? They're looking for a part time assistant. Julie all but promised Meredith it. So much for that. I felt really bad for Meredith. I know she really wanted the extra money. It also makes me wonder who's going to get cut from the staff. I know it technically should be Jess, the newest hire, but I have a feeling that I lettered my own death warrant yesterday. I wanted to find a new job anyhow.

So, no real plans for tonight. I think we're going out for ice cream with one of my friends and her fiancé, but that's about it. We'll probably get chinese, open a bottle of champagne (well, sparkling wine, since it's not french.), and watch the drunks hit the island in front of my house.

Here's hoping '04 is better than '03.

I pulled all sorts of muscles in my ass doing something. I wish I knew how, but all I know is that I woke up this morning feeling like I spent three hours on the butt machine. I wish I had any idea how I did this. Ha, I'll be getting buff in my sleep.

My feet do not hurt as much as they did in the past. The report shoes I wore tonight helped immensely. I'm going to wear then again on Thursday, unless I can come by some new, better shoes tomorrow.

I want my new bras to be here now. I desperately want to have something a little different to wear then the same two that I still fit into. Evil, stupid big breasts.

I'm wicked overtired. I was trying to sleep in today, after my doctor's appointment, but the phone rang an assload of times for nothing good. I actually should go to bed, since I need to get up at 8, at the lastest so I can do the shower and prep for school thing.

Totally out of it... Must sleep.

I'm tired. This week was incredibly long and the week-end looks like it's going to be dull. Today was completely crappy. It was cold and kind of rainy, so I got to do nothing outside, which was kind of what I had planned to do. Tomorrow, I get to do homework. All day. And tomorrow's supposed to be the nice day. Do I sound bitter? I am.

I need new bras. I tried on a couple of the ones that I bought at Frederick's last winter and I spill out of the cups. I like this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, and especially this one. If anyone want to buy me bras, I wear either a 36E or a 36F depending on on what brand the bra is. Email me, and I'll send you my address.

I also need this, this, and this. I have incredibly expensive taste. I seriously wish I had money, though, because I really need new clothes.

Still haven't gotten the new shoes that I need for work. I'm debating if I can wear brown shoes with black pants or if I should hold out and get black shoes to match everything else I wear. I need to figure out what I want to wear to work Monday. I think I'm definitely going with flats. My knee is angry enough with me wearing my Steve Madden Frankenstein shoes. It's actually been pissy with me all day, probably because of the rain. I need to pick out clothes tomorrow. Bleh. I also need to buy nylons at some point.

Speaking of Frankenstein, I'm going to spend the whooole day with him tomorrow. I get to write a detailed summary of what happens in chapters 4 & 5, in volume 1. Yay. Then, I get to rewrite my paper for the second time. After that, I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Probably go to Border's and start doing my research on my AbPsych project. I want to have that done at least two weeks before it's due, since I'm going to have a shitload of other work to do at the end of the semester. This is on top of getting my shit together to be able to transfer back to UMass.

I think that's all I know for now. I'm chilly. I don't like this suddenly cold weather.