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devilgrrlI can't sleep very well tonight. Right now, I'm waiting until the so-I-can-sleep painkiller to kick in. I told my doctor the last time I went for a refill that I'd make a shitty addict. My tolerance and metabolism is too damn high. Shame it isn't that way for food...
I'm all over everywhere tonight. I can't stop thinking about my friend who is due to have a baby this month. She about a year and a half younger than me... almost a Halloween baby... one of my many friends who's a Scorpio. Almost all of my closest female friends are Scorpios. I'm digressing. I want to stop by the mall tomorrow and get her some onesies to have for the baby. It just feels like something I need to do. I can't explain why. I just need to.
I feel so old and in the same way so young and immature thinking about her being a mother. It makes me think about what could have been. I could have a child a bit older than my stepson. She was one of the first and only people I told about my miscarriage. I remember sitting under her table at a party, crying hysterically because I had started bleeding heavily that morning. I was relieved, I was mad at myself for being happy that my pseudobaby had died, I was sad because I would never see her, and I was happy to cancel the appointment at the Brookline clinic that I had made, just in case. I was under her table, in part, because I didn't want to have to see her then-pregnant sister, which was at turns upsetting me and making me sigh with relief.
I sit her now, thinking about my empty, useless uterus. I'm a little jealous, not because I want to have a baby now, but because I worry that when the time comes and I do want one, I won't be able to have one. I'm worried I'll do nothing but miscarry. As is, I've gotten pregnant once, when we were first dating, before I started the No Baby Pill and miscarried around a month along. Obviously, neither of us wanted to started Round 3, but it haunts me, like a shadow in the back of my mind. I want a child someday, yes, but I don't want to jump through hoops if I can't conceive the normal way.
I miss seeing her, as well. I considered her to be one of my closest friends in high school. I chanced into her at the Kingston Mall almost three years ago now. All hell broke loose right after that and I've had no luck catching up with her since. The letters I've tried to sent have come back with no known address.
I originally almost titled this "Boobs" because while thinking back on the times we had hung out, I was remembering one time, at the end of my senior year, when a bunch of us piled into a few cars and went down to Nantasket Beach. No one was expecting the water to be as warm as it was and as a result, none of us wore bathing suits. I remember a few of us stripping down to our undergarments to go swimming. I was wearing a bra I had just bought from Victoria's Secret. It was a gorgeous teal colour, lacy, and compared to what I wear now, tiny. It was a 34C. My mom wears it now. I remember laughing because I had matching knickers for it, satin ones, and it looked like I had a bathing suit on, except when you got really close, you could see through the bra. I loved that bra.
I've been thinking about my boobs a lot recently, probably because I've been seriously looking into the laser bra reduction. There's a guy in Brookline who practises that method. I've also been lurking on the boards at Breast Health Online. I like my boobs, to a point, but they are hard to fit, they're starting to hurt now and then, I have grooves and back pain. I'm terrified of scarring and loss of sensation, though. I want to be a D cup, no smaller, and I'm afraid of them being boxy and fake looking. I keep wavering between how much the piss me off (like now, when they're making my shoulders hurt because I'm not wearing a bra or the fact that Steven regularly rolls over on them in his sleep or when none of my effing bras fit) to wondering if I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill. I still want to lose about 30lbs before I do anything seriously, too.
Sigh. I want nothing more than to go curl up with Steven and get some blissful, dreamless sleep. I think the oxycodone is fucking up my dreams. They're all dark and twisted. Then again, if I don't take them, I'm up all night with nasty twinges, stabbing pains, throbbing, and that nice skewer-through-the-knee feeling. Oh well, I start PT next Tuesday and we're going to check out the (new!) pool at the gym tomorrow.
Thank god, the painkiller kicked in. Off to bed I go.
I'm all over everywhere tonight. I can't stop thinking about my friend who is due to have a baby this month. She about a year and a half younger than me... almost a Halloween baby... one of my many friends who's a Scorpio. Almost all of my closest female friends are Scorpios. I'm digressing. I want to stop by the mall tomorrow and get her some onesies to have for the baby. It just feels like something I need to do. I can't explain why. I just need to.
I feel so old and in the same way so young and immature thinking about her being a mother. It makes me think about what could have been. I could have a child a bit older than my stepson. She was one of the first and only people I told about my miscarriage. I remember sitting under her table at a party, crying hysterically because I had started bleeding heavily that morning. I was relieved, I was mad at myself for being happy that my pseudobaby had died, I was sad because I would never see her, and I was happy to cancel the appointment at the Brookline clinic that I had made, just in case. I was under her table, in part, because I didn't want to have to see her then-pregnant sister, which was at turns upsetting me and making me sigh with relief.
I sit her now, thinking about my empty, useless uterus. I'm a little jealous, not because I want to have a baby now, but because I worry that when the time comes and I do want one, I won't be able to have one. I'm worried I'll do nothing but miscarry. As is, I've gotten pregnant once, when we were first dating, before I started the No Baby Pill and miscarried around a month along. Obviously, neither of us wanted to started Round 3, but it haunts me, like a shadow in the back of my mind. I want a child someday, yes, but I don't want to jump through hoops if I can't conceive the normal way.
I miss seeing her, as well. I considered her to be one of my closest friends in high school. I chanced into her at the Kingston Mall almost three years ago now. All hell broke loose right after that and I've had no luck catching up with her since. The letters I've tried to sent have come back with no known address.
I originally almost titled this "Boobs" because while thinking back on the times we had hung out, I was remembering one time, at the end of my senior year, when a bunch of us piled into a few cars and went down to Nantasket Beach. No one was expecting the water to be as warm as it was and as a result, none of us wore bathing suits. I remember a few of us stripping down to our undergarments to go swimming. I was wearing a bra I had just bought from Victoria's Secret. It was a gorgeous teal colour, lacy, and compared to what I wear now, tiny. It was a 34C. My mom wears it now. I remember laughing because I had matching knickers for it, satin ones, and it looked like I had a bathing suit on, except when you got really close, you could see through the bra. I loved that bra.
I've been thinking about my boobs a lot recently, probably because I've been seriously looking into the laser bra reduction. There's a guy in Brookline who practises that method. I've also been lurking on the boards at Breast Health Online. I like my boobs, to a point, but they are hard to fit, they're starting to hurt now and then, I have grooves and back pain. I'm terrified of scarring and loss of sensation, though. I want to be a D cup, no smaller, and I'm afraid of them being boxy and fake looking. I keep wavering between how much the piss me off (like now, when they're making my shoulders hurt because I'm not wearing a bra or the fact that Steven regularly rolls over on them in his sleep or when none of my effing bras fit) to wondering if I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill. I still want to lose about 30lbs before I do anything seriously, too.
Sigh. I want nothing more than to go curl up with Steven and get some blissful, dreamless sleep. I think the oxycodone is fucking up my dreams. They're all dark and twisted. Then again, if I don't take them, I'm up all night with nasty twinges, stabbing pains, throbbing, and that nice skewer-through-the-knee feeling. Oh well, I start PT next Tuesday and we're going to check out the (new!) pool at the gym tomorrow.
Thank god, the painkiller kicked in. Off to bed I go.
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(no subject)
Date: 2005-01-04 10:29 pm (UTC)go for the surgery!! i got mine done as a birthday present to me back a few years ago and i couldn't be happier!!
(no subject)
Date: 2005-01-04 10:54 pm (UTC)boooobies
Date: 2005-01-04 11:10 pm (UTC)i was a VERY unhappy girl with 48hh boobies, and my surgeon took me from that to a 44d.....and i feel fine.
it wasn't too bad, the pain..it hurt like fuck the first 3 days afterward, but i was happy to finally see my feet after a few years of not seeing them...you have no clue unless you walk my shoes..
my surgery was covered by insurance....and i was grateful too...it was 12 k, aftercare included.
need more? let me know!!
Re: boooobies
Date: 2005-01-05 04:15 am (UTC)How long were you laid up? How long did you take to heal? Did you have the traditional anchor or a lollipop incision? How bad was scarring?
I'm looking strongly into the laser bra method. There's a guy in Brookline who does that procedure and it definitely seems more what I am looking for, as opposed to the tradition anchor method.
I'm thinking about it a lot ever since last night when Steven rolled over and smushed one. Well, that and when Laura was over and I showed her of the bras I just got. Needless to say, it fit over Steven's head easily.