One day at a time, or so they say...

[devilgrrl]

We went down to my grandfather's today and it was difficult, as imagined. Ma tried to make it as normal as possible, but it just wasn't. She ordered Chinese food from the place that we had lunch at the last time I saw her. She sat in Gramma's seat and she tried to switch me to the other side of the table, next to Steven, instead of the seat I've sat at since I was a child. I had to excuse myself; I couldn't take it.

My grandpa was talking about how they took her out in a body bag. He started crying and I had had to leave the room then, too. I sat in the spare room with the cat and cried. Poor kitty, I've cried on her so much over the last few days. I'm grateful for her, she just purrs while I'm losing it and licks my face.

I couldn't eat my lunch. I played with it till Ma told me to just put it away.

I programmed Grampa's new phone so he can call us whenever he wants. It has an emergency system, too, so he can hit a button and call all of us till someone answers. There's even a recorded message in case he has to call 911 and can't talk. We set up his new telly too. I guess we're going down next week to start cleaning out her things.

I fucking miss her so much. I don't know how I'm going to live through this... I really don't. It was so painful to be there without her.

I still can't keep anything down. I tried to eat a little dinner tonight and I yakked it right back up. We're going on 72 hours since I've been able to eat anything without getting sick. I can't believe I'm not even hungry. I ate earlier because I figured I should, but I guess I wasn't ready.

Ray called today to tell us that she'd been cremated. The ashes will be there on Tuesday or Wednesday, as well as the photo they're putting in her obituary. That will be another hard day. No one's really talked about what to do with the ashes. She wanted to be spread down Narragansset, so I guess we'll do that. I'd like to have some to keep here too, but I don't know. I know nothing anymore.

My hairdresser was amazing today. She did Gramma's hair and I guess Gramma was supposed to go in the day she passed. She fit me in today and when I went to pay, she wouldn't take my money. Her mum was my gramma's hairdresser before she started doing hair, so we've known them for years. She's been doing my hair since I was a child.

I fed the geese, too, even though it was frigid and for a minute, I could pretend everything was ok.

When is this pain going to stop? Does it ever? I just want it to go away.

Comments

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

I totally appreciate it. Seriously, everyone on here has been so awesome. I feel bad that I'm clogging everyone's flists with my drama.

I appreciate the comments, seriously. They really mean a lot to me.

[grntserendipity.livejournal.com]

That's what friends are for--even if we are just lj friends. :) Its a hard time, and you aren't clogging my flist with drama.

*hug*

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

With very few exceptions, you guys have been way better and more supportive than my real life friends. You seriously are the best.