One day at a time, or so they say...

[devilgrrl]

We went down to my grandfather's today and it was difficult, as imagined. Ma tried to make it as normal as possible, but it just wasn't. She ordered Chinese food from the place that we had lunch at the last time I saw her. She sat in Gramma's seat and she tried to switch me to the other side of the table, next to Steven, instead of the seat I've sat at since I was a child. I had to excuse myself; I couldn't take it.

My grandpa was talking about how they took her out in a body bag. He started crying and I had had to leave the room then, too. I sat in the spare room with the cat and cried. Poor kitty, I've cried on her so much over the last few days. I'm grateful for her, she just purrs while I'm losing it and licks my face.

I couldn't eat my lunch. I played with it till Ma told me to just put it away.

I programmed Grampa's new phone so he can call us whenever he wants. It has an emergency system, too, so he can hit a button and call all of us till someone answers. There's even a recorded message in case he has to call 911 and can't talk. We set up his new telly too. I guess we're going down next week to start cleaning out her things.

I fucking miss her so much. I don't know how I'm going to live through this... I really don't. It was so painful to be there without her.

I still can't keep anything down. I tried to eat a little dinner tonight and I yakked it right back up. We're going on 72 hours since I've been able to eat anything without getting sick. I can't believe I'm not even hungry. I ate earlier because I figured I should, but I guess I wasn't ready.

Ray called today to tell us that she'd been cremated. The ashes will be there on Tuesday or Wednesday, as well as the photo they're putting in her obituary. That will be another hard day. No one's really talked about what to do with the ashes. She wanted to be spread down Narragansset, so I guess we'll do that. I'd like to have some to keep here too, but I don't know. I know nothing anymore.

My hairdresser was amazing today. She did Gramma's hair and I guess Gramma was supposed to go in the day she passed. She fit me in today and when I went to pay, she wouldn't take my money. Her mum was my gramma's hairdresser before she started doing hair, so we've known them for years. She's been doing my hair since I was a child.

I fed the geese, too, even though it was frigid and for a minute, I could pretend everything was ok.

When is this pain going to stop? Does it ever? I just want it to go away.

Comments

[grntserendipity.livejournal.com]

*hugs* It will take time. The only thing that makes it better is time. Good friends help you make it through to the time when it is going to be okay again.

Let me know if there is anything I can do...

[wishuponakate.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[maa3120.livejournal.com]

It's been 4 years since I lost my grandmother... my pain hasn't gone away yet, but it has changed to more of a bittersweet pain instead of the sharp, stabbing agony it was at first.

Like grntserendipity said, it just takes time, and your friends are here for you if when you need us.

we are here for you, sam.

[ragdollgirl.livejournal.com]

sam-

i want to call you but i have no number to call you, so i will give you my no..3147667675...call me...

to answer your question--the pain never completely dies, but it does dima bit....she was a special, lovely, talented, caring, determined woman who helped shape you, and if she's anything like you, then she is a damned good woman indeed.....

she loves you....i don't use past tense cos they never leave us completely...she is in heaven making sure that every protection she could'nt give you on earth she can now in heaven....she is there...just call ot for her, and she'll come and hold you.

my prayers are with you and your family....i care about you,and want you to eat something, even if it's broth...no more burbon, for it'll hurt your stomach lining if you consume too much.


call me if you need ANYTHING at all.


love,

elisabeth and clay.


ps--steven's mom is one huge diseased dick.


beth

Re: we are here for you, sam.

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

Jesus, I know. Because I totally need more drama, right?

I haven't really been answering the phone, but I appreciate you giving me your number. It's nice to know that there are people there if I need to call. I actually only talked to Ma for the first time since she passed today. It's been too hard.

I've been trying to eat. I've thrown up Indian food, pizza, and Chinese so far. I've mostly kept tea and Pepsi down, so I guess that's something. I'm just tired of eating and then throwing it back up 10 minutes later. Then again, I suppose now is as good a time as ever to start that diet I always mean to go on.

I'm hanging in there for the moment. The internet is keeping me as sane as I guess I'm going to be.

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

I totally appreciate it. Seriously, everyone on here has been so awesome. I feel bad that I'm clogging everyone's flists with my drama.

I appreciate the comments, seriously. They really mean a lot to me.

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

Thanks :)

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, especially on your offer about letting the poor soggy cat dry out for a bit. She's going to start mildewing soon, I think.

You guys have all been really amazing. I seriously couldn't ask for better friends.

[grntserendipity.livejournal.com]

That's what friends are for--even if we are just lj friends. :) Its a hard time, and you aren't clogging my flist with drama.

*hug*

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

With very few exceptions, you guys have been way better and more supportive than my real life friends. You seriously are the best.

[metalchick1000.livejournal.com]

time will tell.
maybe you could keep just a little bit? like, remember those charm bottles of "love potion" you and your friends would wear around your neck when we were like, 12? or was that just a stupid west coast thing? anyway, maybe you could keep just a tiny amount and store it in something small and special so you always have her near?

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

I had already asked Ma if I could keep some; she looked at me kind of odd. I don't see where it's any different than spreading them.