Dear Cat:

[devilgrrl]

It is a sad day when I go to use the bathroom and not only are you sitting on the seat, not only are you drinking the toilet water, but I PHYSICALLY HAVE TO MOVE YOU to use it. Looking guilty doesn't cut it. We both know you aren't supposed to be drinking out of there.

What makes it worse is that, not 10 minutes earlier, I put out fresh water.

Cat, it is the same water that is in the toilet bowl EXCEPT CLEANER. It all comes the city. It is not somehow more delicious because it's normally closed. I will buy that maybe, MAYBE, shower water tastes better, but that's only because Lush things are great and salty. Since you had to sit and watch me this morning, I will also assume it's more entertaining.

You are not entitled to sit in the kitchen and mew pathetically because I had the nerve to move you off MY EFFING TOILET. You are a cat, shouldn't you have some dignity. Not allowing you to drink potty water is not tantamount to cat abuse.

While we're discussing things, I am not obligated to give you chicken every time I open the fridge. Despite what you might think, it is not the Magic Chicken Box. I have other important things in there, like olives and beer, and fake meat, WHICH I SHARE WITH YOU. No one has kicked your puppy if yummies don't fall like manna from heaven. You may not sulk.

Sitting under my bed makes it worse. Revenge horking will be treated as open hostility. I will win, Cat, if this turns into a battle royale. Why? Because I have thumbs and now matter how much you're eating from your paws, you don't.

Nyah nyah.

Comments

[renfairewench.livejournal.com]

Your letters to the cat make me laugh. I have some of the same issues with mine as well. What is it about the toilet water? It just makes me cringe. I try to remember to put down the seat, but when I forget there is said kitty precariously perched on the seat with her head inside the bowl. *yuck*

And tell me why both cats can be at the opposite end of the house, under the covers of my bed with the door partially closed, and I go into the fridge and open up the deli ham that BOTH cats suddenly hear that and come running down the stairs to sit, stare at me and then meow at me when I ignore them because HOW DARE I open up the deli ham and not give them any. YET! If I go into the fridge to get an orange and rattle a similar bag neither cat will budge, even if you call them.

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

I have no idea why is it is so frakking good. She was in heaven on Monday because the plumber was here and not only did he leave the lid up, he left the seat up as well. Cat - 1, Samantha, 0.

Goddammit actually comes running ever time I open the fridge no matter what. Like I could go to get a beer/olive/stare vacantly and BOOM! O hai, cat. If it's open too long, she will get inside, which brings me back to the whole no thumbs thing. It doesn't matter if you're in there, YOU CAN'T OPEN ANYTHING.

Kitteh logic: best thing ever.

[dolphinluv2783.livejournal.com]

My cat also loooooooves the toilet. I am constantly finding him perched on the edge of mine looking in it or drinking out of it. The hell is that about?

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

I think it's the equivalent of forbidden fruit. You can drink from anything but the toilet and that makes it 9 million kinds of more delicious.

Your icon has made my entire week. I totally said this about my kids today.