Xcelent Barfs

[devilgrrl]

Dear Cat:

Our Christmas tree has now been in the house for ten days. For the first several days, we left it up, unadorned, for the simple fact that Steven and I assumed you would be all up in its shit as you are with, well, everything.

But no. You were terrified of the scary green thing. You hissed, you clung to me, you avoided the living room like the plague. We were surprised by this, albeit pleasantly. Of course, we have no breakable ornaments, just in case.

But now that you have discovered that the giant green monster will not shoot lazars at you nor does it like to nom tender little kittens, you're interested in it. I would like to propose the following rules:

1. Do not chew the wires. There is no such thing as The Electric Cat Slide and if anyone is telling you otherwise, they're a damn liar,

2. Do not lick the ornaments. Yes, they are from IKEA and IKEA has many delicious things, but these are not some of them. The only thing they might contain is lead and, despite its symbol being Pb, it is not peanut butter nor good for you. We prefer both our gas and our cats unleaded here.

3. Stop drinking the tree's water. It is not Gourmet Water Bowl: Limited Holiday Edition. This also does not mean that you are allowed to drink from the toilet bowl, either.

4. Wrapping paper is not a cat toy. I know it's crinkly and delicious and you like to hoard it, but a) you're not a dragon and b) those presents under the tree are NOT FOR YOU. Santa is watching you, Cat, and will not bring you excellent noms if you eat what few presents I've bothered to wrap.

5. The tree is no longer living. It is unnecessary for you to chirp at it, stalk it from under the couch, or attempt to pounce on it. Tree > You.

6. Stop chewing the branches. I am tired of chasing you off. They're not good for you nor will they make excellent barfs later. Stepping in cat barf in the middle of the night is not a sign of esteem and affection.

We will all have an enjoyable season should you follow these rules. If not, there's always the Spray Bottle of Attitude Readjustment.

Comments

[suzabelle7.livejournal.com]

when we had a cat, we had a really hard time keeping her out of the tree, until I discovered the Magic Of Cloves (and clove oil). I sliced a couple orange slices, stuck the rinds full of whole cloves, threw them on a sheet of parchment paper on a cookie sheet in the oven set at about 250 for a couple hours to dry them a little, and hung the slices in the tree. Worked like a charm!

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a good idea and also rather decorative. Did it smell good?

[suzabelle7.livejournal.com]

Omg, it smelled AMAZING when I was drying the slices in the oven! It was rather pleasant afterwards, but not as strong, and mostly just clove and not orange (obviously, since I'd dried the oranges out to avoid stickiness in the tree). I took to sticking cloves in oranges to recreate the orange and clove smell :)