Stupid birds

Dear blue jays:

First order of business, you are neither seagulls nor woodpeckers. Stop holding seeds with your feet and cracking them on my railing. I can hear you through the closed door. Must you be so loud?

Secondly, and this ties in with being loud, please stop attemping loud sex on my porch. It's annoying to me and it's not doing much for her, either, considering your subsequent rejection. Seriously, try another tactic.

~The not impressed home owner