Cancerous

Having a completely shit night. I haven't been feeling well recently and last night, I found a new bruise on the inside of my thigh. Today, I had another one start to come up on the inside of my other leg, in a different place. I've been coughing more and more, so hard I threw up today at work, after trying to clean the bathroom. I've been getting nosebleeds, as well as coughing up blood, too. I'm scared shitless.

Why is it that nothing every goes as planned? I was supposed to be all better when Dr. Mei saw me in November. She said that there was "nothing to worry about" and I was fine, nothing further needed to be pursued. Why don't I feel well then? Why am I still losing weight and bruising so easily? Why am I getting shooting pains in my chest? I want to be all better. I'm sick of getting chills, then sweating and back again. I'm scared that this is going to spread throughout my chest and kill me. I'm scared of more needles, more blood work, more tests, more hospitals... of dying alone in a cold, sterile room with no one there. I just want to be well and to never see a doctor again. Instead, I feel worse and worse.

I hate fucking crying, but I have this huge lump in my throat from not. I never really cried over the cancer thing. I've just been internalizing it, letting it eat me away inside, and dealing with everything but.. It's hard to do that when you're alone and all the monsters come out for you.

So much for sleep tonight... And Steve wonders why I look like hell all the time.