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I'm scared of everything
Aug. 3rd, 2001 01:19 amI can't sleep. I don't know why, exactly. All I know is that I was tossing and turning. I'm stressed out, as usual, and... I don't know... I'm just stressed.
I went to check out Blaine and LIBS yesterday. Both schools were nice. I did like Blaine better because the students seemed friendlier and made me feel more welcome. I don't know. I need to make a decision soon on what I want to do in regards to going back to Massasoit or going to beauty school or what. It's daunting.
I guess what it really boils down to is that I'm really afraid of fucking up. I don't know what I want to do for the next forty-five years of my life. I don't even know what I want to do over the week-end, for christ's sake. I feel so inept and stupid for not having a plan. Everyone else I know has one, why not me?
I'm so scared that I'm going to get somewhere and hate it. It happened to me with Massasoit. The first day there, I knew I was going to hate it and fuck up. I'm afraid I won't make any friends, like at college. I'm afraid that people will say what a waste I am, how I could have done so much better with my life. I'm just so scared of everything right now.
Are you there, god? It's me, Samantha.. I'd like to wake up tomorrow and be back in high school, where everything was simple. I don't want to think about finding something to do for the rest of my life, I want to worry about learning my lines for the next play I'm going to be in. I want to go out with my friends and eat pizza and talk about meaningless things. I don't want to be a grown up.
I feel like I'm losing it right now; like I'm drowning and everyone is watching, thinking I'm just waving to them.
i just noticed something odd. There's a scrunched up kleenex on my desk that looks like a gardenia. I'm not fragmenting much.
I'm so sick of pretending that I know exactly what I want to do with myself. I just want to sleep, work 10 hours a week at my crummy retail job and sleep.
I'm going to go back to trying to sleep for a while. Maybe now that I've gotten this out, I can rest easily.
I went to check out Blaine and LIBS yesterday. Both schools were nice. I did like Blaine better because the students seemed friendlier and made me feel more welcome. I don't know. I need to make a decision soon on what I want to do in regards to going back to Massasoit or going to beauty school or what. It's daunting.
I guess what it really boils down to is that I'm really afraid of fucking up. I don't know what I want to do for the next forty-five years of my life. I don't even know what I want to do over the week-end, for christ's sake. I feel so inept and stupid for not having a plan. Everyone else I know has one, why not me?
I'm so scared that I'm going to get somewhere and hate it. It happened to me with Massasoit. The first day there, I knew I was going to hate it and fuck up. I'm afraid I won't make any friends, like at college. I'm afraid that people will say what a waste I am, how I could have done so much better with my life. I'm just so scared of everything right now.
Are you there, god? It's me, Samantha.. I'd like to wake up tomorrow and be back in high school, where everything was simple. I don't want to think about finding something to do for the rest of my life, I want to worry about learning my lines for the next play I'm going to be in. I want to go out with my friends and eat pizza and talk about meaningless things. I don't want to be a grown up.
I feel like I'm losing it right now; like I'm drowning and everyone is watching, thinking I'm just waving to them.
i just noticed something odd. There's a scrunched up kleenex on my desk that looks like a gardenia. I'm not fragmenting much.
I'm so sick of pretending that I know exactly what I want to do with myself. I just want to sleep, work 10 hours a week at my crummy retail job and sleep.
I'm going to go back to trying to sleep for a while. Maybe now that I've gotten this out, I can rest easily.