I hate you, breasts.

[devilgrrl]

Dear Breasts:

I am going to be 24 this summer and so are you girls. That means all three of us are a good 10 years out of puberty. You remember puberty, right? That was when you ladies blossomed from pretty much innocent bystanders into C cup sized centres of attention. We had good times then. You certainly knew how to fill out a shirt with the best of them

Well, I guess you liked the attention, as well as some of the hormones in OrthoTriCyclen and decided that C just wasn't good enough for you. That was average, you know, just like the grade in school. I didn't mind when you girls expanded your horizons into D cups, really. It wasn't that big of a stretch, you looked great, and we could still go places together and fit in. Even DD wasn't too huge of a change. We were still ok in most places, though there were a few that weren't as accomodating as we needed.

But it seems all of the new attention, whether from bras or boys, went to your head. You girls literally got too big for your britches. I told you to slow down, things were moving ahead too fast, but you didn't listen, did you? You didn't slow down and by the time you two were done, you were Fs. It's caused a lot of trouble, you know. Because of what you two have made of yourselves, a lot of doors have shut to us. Vicky's is not a place we are welcome anymore. Oh, you two thought Vicky was going to welcome you back around Christmas time, but it was a ploy. Things aren't going to change with there anytime soon. In fact, we aren't really welcome at a lot of the places, save for the internet and, well, Lady Grace still loves you two, but it's not the same. Lady Grace is nice, but she just doesn't understand girls our age.

After some rocky times together, I finally accepted you two again. You seemed stable. You hadn't done anything crazy in a year and a half. I thought we could all be friends again. I thought I could trust you two. I welcomed you back, I bought you pretty things. Steven takes good care of you (I dare say he likes you better than I do right now.) Things were good and then you went and betrayed me again. You two are growing again.

At first, I thought maybe it was a little extra fluid. I know things can shift throughout the month and I understand. You girls let me believe it. You never bothered to admit the truth to me: you two decided to get bigger again.

Let's get one thing straight, girl. I am not a porn star. By proxy, neither are you two. Unless I change my mind, you girls aren't going to be porn stars unless the rest of me goes along. And, I hate to break it to you, homemade porn isn't really an excuse for being ginormous.

I know you don't think it's a big deal, that you're "in proportion" with the rest of me, but my ass is not going to cooperate with you forever. In fact, my ass is pretty committed to getting smaller. You two are going to be the odd men... er, girls... out.

I don't want this to sound like a threat, because I am very attached to you, but I want you to understand that if you keep doing this, I will have no choice but to cut you off. You've got to understand, it's not just me you're bothering. You give my back trouble, you irritate the nerves in my shoulders with your constant weighty issues. You're weighing me down, not to mention putting a huge drain on my wallet. I just can't afford you two when every time you need something, it's at least $60 or more. You don't fit in anywhere, you cause havoc whenever we go shopping, you're just generally too unruly.

I'm sorry it had to come to this. It's hard for me to tell you girls this because we've had some great times. I remember when we were so cute together not that long ago and I've gotten great pleasure out of your company. For now, I'm going to keep supplying you girls because, really, I've got no other choice. It's not like I can just let you two bounce around whereever you want. I just want you to consider this a warning to stop your ways. We could live happily like we are now, but you have to cooperate with the rest of me and stop your constant expansion.

Please, take a page from my ass. Start to shape up or I will have to ship you out.

Love,
Samantha

~*~

As you can probably guess, I decided to try on a couple of my bras tonight, now that I've lost a bit of weight, to see how they look. Well, I figured out where the weight from my ass went. I didn't actually lose it; it migrated to my tits. I have outgrown at least two of my bras, including the push-up bra that I dearly loved. I'm not talking about massive, I look like I have a baby's bum, business side up, stuffed in my shirt. I'm talking quadra boob, where you can see exactly where my bra is and the line it creates because a good portion of Lefty has squeezed out.

I thought they were growing again, but I chalked it up to all the painkillers I was taking. Well, I'm off of them now and my boobs are still big. At least I have a few formerly roomy Fs that I now totally fill out, which is good, in a way, since I am not desperate to buy new bras like I was the last time they grew, but I am going to have to replace a couple of them, including the beautiful pistachio green one I just bought this winter. I swear to god, I am the only person who can lose weight and have their tits grow. Well, at least I need new, smaller pants. I am trying to take comfort in that.

You know, I'm starting to think I'm going to have to call them something other than tits, as well. Tits kind of insinuates smaller to me. Maybe I should start calling them gazongas. Heh, maybe I should have a name my boobies contest here.

What else... The baseball game was rained out tonight, so Steven and I went to the mall instead. I got my mum her birthday present (incense, 2 lily of the valley candles from Yankee Candle, a tiny thing of gardenia hand lotion from Bath & Body Works, and the new Pina Colada lotion from Bath & Body Works) and we picked up some antibacterial stuff from there as well, since it was 5 for $10. We won't need to buy soap for ages! We talked to a couple people we hadn't seen for a while, I showed off my surgery scars, and we breezed through JC Penney's. I also got some ideas for what I want to get Steven for Father's Day, as well as got permission to take Elliott out for an afternoon so he can pick out a little something for Steven. Now, I just need to convince my mom to go with us.

My knee is killing me not only from all the walking, but from the weather, as well. I'm starting to get sleepy, but I know I won't be able to find a comfortable position if it keeps aching like this. I'm so glad I hoard painkillers. I'm going to take one and check out a few options for replacement bras while it kicks in.

And here's a survey I yoinked from lisbonlovesjacq

> BASICS <
What does your name mean? She who listens
How old are you? damn near 24
How old are you mentally (as in are you mature?)? Old. Very, very old.
Describe yourself in 5 words: petulant, shy, enigmatic, snarky, and sexual.
What are your worst qualities: I'm argumentative, tempermental, and alternatively overly passionate and very detached.
What are your best qualities: I give good advice, I am good at analyzing situations and people, I can be very loving, and I have a decent sense of humour.
How long does it take you get get ready in the morning: I can be ready to go in 10 minutes if I need to. I prefer to have about half an hour, though.

> SLEEP <
Do you dream at night? Ugh, recently, yes. And none of them are good. I never remember good dreams.
Do you remember your dreams? Only the bad ones.
Describe one: The last one I remember well was the one with Colin Mochrie as the housecleaning devil.
What time do you go to bed usually? Usually around 1:30. I'm up late tonight because I'm hurting.
What time do you wake up normally? Between 11 and 12.
What time do you wake on weekends? See above, unless it's an on week-end, and then it's 8:30.
Do you find waking late nice or annoying? I love sleeping in and morning sex.
Do you sleep with one pillow or two? One huge, fluffy feather pillow that I contort around my neck.

> SCHOOL <
Did you like school? I like my classes.
Why/why not? Well, the subjects were interesting. Unfortunately, the staff and my advisor sucked ass.
Whats was ur fave subject? I luvs me sum Engrish
Most hated subject? maths
Did you have a fave teacher? Sue Patton. She's the reason I am going into teaching.
Ever had a crush on a teacher? Does Steven count?
Were you a math/science person or an english/drama person? I'm going to teach English.

> FRIENDS <
Do you have heaps of friends? nope
Do you have more guy friends or more girl friends? about split.   
Do you ever get annoyed at any friend? Yes, there is one.

Have you ever lied to a friend? white lies
Have you ever stolen a friends boyfriend/girlfriend? I steal his tee shirts all the time

> FAMILY <
Do you like your parents? Now that I don't live with them, yes.
Ever run away from home? nope
Ever thought about it? Not really.
Do you have any siblings? Just Dawn in spirit.
If so, do you like or get annoyed with them? Dawn and I get along great.
How old are they? She'll be 25 in November
If not, do you mind being an only child? Obviously not, since she and I adopted each other.
Do you feel your parents spoil you? Honestly, my mom is really good to me.
Do you not get along with any of your family? my father, a lot of the time.
Do you have big family get togethers ever? Nope. I have a really small family.

> SEX <
Ever had sex? Not often enough lately. Damn cold and damn breakthrough bleeding.
Believe that a person shouldn’t have sex before marriage? I think everyone should have sex before marriage.
Believe in casual sex? yep
When do you plan/when did you lose your virginity? I was under 15
Did you regret it? Eh, not really. I can see where waiting would have facilitated better choices.

> LIVEJOURNAL <
How long have you had yours? Since 2000
How many entries do you have? Christ... a lot. I'm not sure how many.
Are you obsessed? Maybe?
Who is the most attractive female on your friends list? You know, I don't know what half the people on my friends list look like.
The most attractive male? I don't know if I have any men on my list.
Most annoying? I don't keep annoying people on my friends list.
Best entries? I like this one.
Best comments? All my friends are pretty witty at times.

> RELIGION <
Do you have a religion? I'm a really bad Catholic
Do you practice it i.e go to church? Not really, but we are part of Saint Albert's, which was the church that beat out the Boston archdiocese's order to close. We likes the rebels.
Do you believe in God? yes.
Jesus? Yes, in as much as he existed. Though Hillel, I guess, said a lot of similar stuff and he was a contemporary.
Satan? Not per se.
Heaven? Yes
Hell? Self imposed.
If you died tomorrow what do you believe will happen to you? Someone would probably autopsy me, since I'm a little too healthy to just kick it.

> MORALS <
Have you ever been drunk? Yep
taken drugs? Yep
stolen? When I was way younger.
shoplifted? Isn't this the same deal?
Lied to a boyfriend or girlfriend? Yes.
gotten into a fight? Yes
are you more innocent or guilty? Experienced.
Would you date a drug addict? no.
have you ever had to look after someone who was a drug addict? I've looked after people having bad reactions.
Are you racist? Nope. I hate everyone equally.
Are you discriminatory to anyone? Yes. I discriminate against the stupid.
Have you been a hypocrite in the past? Yep.
Do you have an open or closed mind to other peoples beliefs and feelings? I'm pretty open minded.

> MEDIA <
Do you watch tons of tv? I've not been allowed to drive for 6 months. I have been out on medical this semester. I had surgery. What do you think?
How many times have you been to the movies in the past 6 months? 3
Do you listen to the radio often? Only in my car
Do you read the newspaper? If available
Do you read magazines? I read all the women's mags and Steven's Playboys
Are you a couch potato? Not by choice, dammit.
Do you use the internet too much? Yep.

> MUSIC <
Whats your fave style of music? Electronica or new wave.
Do you play an instrument? Yes. I used to play several.
Do you sing? Yes
Whats your fave band? Jesus... Duran Duran, right now. I'm fickle.
Why? Because Simon LeBon is hawt.

> PERSONALITY <
Are you funny or serious? Serious as the plague.
Creative or not? Sometimes creative.
Logical thinker or lateral thinker? There's my creativity.
Are you outgoing or shy? Shy.
Are you lazy or active? I'd be way more active if I could..
Have you ever been hyperactive? Not really.
Are you a naturally hyperactive person? No.

> LOOKS <
Are you happy with the way you look? Depends on the day and the angle
What would you change? 25 pounds thinner and perkier boobs
Do you wear makeup regularly? Just eye stuff, though I totally flaked on it today.
Do you have a large wardrobe? I wish. I need new pants.

> MONEY <
Do you have a job? nope
Do you like it?
Are you a saver or a spender? Saver, when I can
Do you work hard or slack off? Work hard.
Have you ever been fired? Yep.
In trouble at work? Only due to other people's stupidity.
Made a major mistake? Yea... Not suing my former job.
Ever had money stolen from you? Yes. $215 disappeared from the till at work and then, two days later, my ex magically bought himself a GameCube. That was my bday present that year. I don't play video games.
Are you always broke? Yes. God, are we ever...

Comments

[lisbonlovesjacq.livejournal.com]

God this is so weird like half the females I know are having boob issues at the moment. Mine, too, are getting bigger for no apparent reason. And my nipples are so sensitive I want to cry whenever anything barely touches them.

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

It's a conspiracy. I'd blame soy, but I don't really eat anything with soy in it.