Wierd..

[devilgrrl]

I think the rest of my life just flashed in front of my eyes. It was the wierdest fucking thing. I was watching Discovery Health and reading weddingplans because I'm bored, hurting, and have nothing better to do and it got me thinking about last night, with the whole engagement ring hooey and after that, when we were talking about burial plots after-- really long term things. Wicked romantic, I know.

It just clicked that I am going to spend the rest of my life with Steven. I may some day end up being married as long as my grandparents. Hopefully, we'll have as generally happy a marriage as they do.They'll be married 60 years on their next anniversary and they're still so much in love. My grandfather has just gotten into buying stereos (really nice ones. He has an amazing eye for bargains and good buys at yard sales. He gave us an awesome dual cassette, 5 CD changer, and radio with a remote as our housewarming gift.) and has one set up in his old office. He had also picked up a bunch of CDs, including some swing and big band ones. On their anniversary this year, my grandmother told me that they danced to a few of the songs that they had danced to when they were first married. That's what I hope for.

The other thing that kind of struck me was that, much as I'd like to have a nice wedding, what I really am looking forward is the honeymoon. Ha, not really. At the risk of sounding sappy as hell, what I'm looking forward to is actually being married, of knowing that this is my husband... It will also be nice not to have to have an awkward pause about what I'm going to introduce Steven as. Boyfriend doesn't reflect the level of our relationship, I hate the word fiance even though that's what he is, spouse sounds like we're married but not overly happy, and partner makes people look at Steven funny when they realize he's not a woman. I usually end up just say "This is Steven" and people kind of always look at me like "And he is..?"

That doesn't sound quite as good as I had hope. I guess the gist of what I'm trying to say is I'm looking forward more to the marriage than having a wedding or any of the other trappings. I'm happy with him and that I am going to spend the rest of my life with him. If the only way we could get married was a quickie ceremony in the Town Hall, I'd be just as happy as if we go to Vegas as if we have a big wedding. I think that's really why I get antsy about things. It's not like I'm anxious to have the wedding or to be Mrs. Shuman, since I most likely will either hyphenate or not change my name, it's that I'm ready to start the next part of our life together. It's the same reason I want to get out of college. I'm ready to move on.

Holy christ allmighty, I'm drowsy all of a sudden. I can't wait till Steven gets home and to take a nap. I slept okay last night, but it's been almost two weeks of not sleeping well, so realistically two nights of good sleep is not going to cure that. Bleh...

Comments

[hips-and-quips.livejournal.com]

i know exactly what you mean.

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

It's scary when this happens, isn't it?