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We went on our first solo trip to see my grandfather yesterday. It was hard, as expected. The house seems really strange. It's very empty and sad feeling. My grandmother always had tonnes of lights on (to my grandfather's dismay; he likes to save electricity), so it was dark, too. I've never been in the house without her there. We'd been times when my grandfather was in the hospital, but it never seemed so empty, then. It wasn't creepy, like at my grandmother Takacs's house after she died, just sad and muted.
We mostly sat in the office, with my grandfather, talking. I wrote out a couple bills for him to sign, since he has tremours and can't write very legibly and balanced the chequebook. It was hard to see my handwriting under hers in there.
I was in the house less than two minutes before the cat came tearing from the other room and flopped on her back for bellah rubbins. She haunted me throughout the house for the whole day. Anywhere I went, she was half a step behind, meowing at me. Any time she got ahead of me, she kept looking back to make sure I was still there. She wouldn't go outside and any time I sat, she was in my lap.
I think the hardest thing was that my grandfather kept calling me Lee or Ohnie. Steven caught it a few times and it made my heart catch every time I heard it. Eventually, they went downstairs to check out a clogged sink in Grandpa's workshop and the cat and I continued to kind of haunt the upstairs.
Her ashes are in the back bedroom. I saw the box when I went to check out the scale. I've lost a little more than ten pounds since the last time I was there. The cat had gone into their bedroom and wanted me to sit with her on the bed, which was more than I could handle. Ma cleaned off her bureau, so that was just strange, too. I know it's so it doesn't look like she's just run to the store and will be coming home, but it was hard to look at. I remember looking at her photos and her telling me about them when I was a kid or how sometimes she's let me use a little of her make-up.
No one's cleaned up anything in what used to be my room there. Her shoes and stocking are still on the box where she took them off the night before she died. There are a couple of cards addressed on the bureau and other things where she'd put them down. Her clothes are all folded on the ironing board, ready to be put away. I thought that room would be the hardest, but the living room's actually the one that I really can't stand being in. I went in long enough to get some Vaseline for the cat, but I couldn't stay in there.
My grandfather shooed us out around 3:30, so we went home. We picked up some of our Christmas stuff from Ma's and then we came home and mulled apple cider with vanilla schnapps in it. It seemed to help the laryngitis I've had for the last couple days.
I've mostly just felt sick all day. I did a little work on my charcoal, but I was antsy and didn't like what was coming out. I'll take it back to school and do work on it tomorrow. I did lightly fix it so it won't get smeared.
I guess we're going to try and get our tree today, after Steven brings in his end of the laundry and I finish watching some stupid programme on some weird dog-thing up in Maine.
We mostly sat in the office, with my grandfather, talking. I wrote out a couple bills for him to sign, since he has tremours and can't write very legibly and balanced the chequebook. It was hard to see my handwriting under hers in there.
I was in the house less than two minutes before the cat came tearing from the other room and flopped on her back for bellah rubbins. She haunted me throughout the house for the whole day. Anywhere I went, she was half a step behind, meowing at me. Any time she got ahead of me, she kept looking back to make sure I was still there. She wouldn't go outside and any time I sat, she was in my lap.
I think the hardest thing was that my grandfather kept calling me Lee or Ohnie. Steven caught it a few times and it made my heart catch every time I heard it. Eventually, they went downstairs to check out a clogged sink in Grandpa's workshop and the cat and I continued to kind of haunt the upstairs.
Her ashes are in the back bedroom. I saw the box when I went to check out the scale. I've lost a little more than ten pounds since the last time I was there. The cat had gone into their bedroom and wanted me to sit with her on the bed, which was more than I could handle. Ma cleaned off her bureau, so that was just strange, too. I know it's so it doesn't look like she's just run to the store and will be coming home, but it was hard to look at. I remember looking at her photos and her telling me about them when I was a kid or how sometimes she's let me use a little of her make-up.
No one's cleaned up anything in what used to be my room there. Her shoes and stocking are still on the box where she took them off the night before she died. There are a couple of cards addressed on the bureau and other things where she'd put them down. Her clothes are all folded on the ironing board, ready to be put away. I thought that room would be the hardest, but the living room's actually the one that I really can't stand being in. I went in long enough to get some Vaseline for the cat, but I couldn't stay in there.
My grandfather shooed us out around 3:30, so we went home. We picked up some of our Christmas stuff from Ma's and then we came home and mulled apple cider with vanilla schnapps in it. It seemed to help the laryngitis I've had for the last couple days.
I've mostly just felt sick all day. I did a little work on my charcoal, but I was antsy and didn't like what was coming out. I'll take it back to school and do work on it tomorrow. I did lightly fix it so it won't get smeared.
I guess we're going to try and get our tree today, after Steven brings in his end of the laundry and I finish watching some stupid programme on some weird dog-thing up in Maine.
