Still here

Today was another not so good day. I've been throwing up on and off all day and my throat is getting sore from it. Tried to eat pizza, since it was the only vaguely appetizing thing I could think of, but that wouldn't stay down either.

The house is still a mess. I ventured out twice, to BJs and for pizza, but I really wasn't up to being out in public. I felt really woozy and out of it while I was walking around and everything seemed way too loud. I just wanted to come home and hide again.

Steven and I got into an argument and the second he left, on my insistence, I picked up the phone to call Gramma. I got as far as dialing the numbers and the I realized that she'd never, ever pick up my calls again. I can't ever call her for a recipe or a quick question or just to talk and that floored me. She seriously is the most important person in my life; she's always been there for me. How do you go on when someone like that is gone?

I have the jewelry box I gave her for her birthday on my table, next to the last issue of Good Housekeeping she read. I haven't been able to ready it yet. I keep just touching the cover when I walk by or opening the box because some of her hair is still inside. Ma gave me a little container of her face powder and a earring container that she painted for her almost 20 years ago. More cat fur, more of Gramma's hair on it. I can't stop looking at it. Same with the ornaments she bought for us just a little bit ago. She got Steven and me our first "grown-up" ornament: a Lenox and crystal star. She always got those for Ma and she had just bought me what turns out to be my last granddaughter ornament. I can't believe this is the last year I'll ever have one of those from her.

We're supposed to go to Rhode Island with Ma and Bruce tomorrow. I don't know how to do this. I can't even talk to my mum on the phone right now because she sounds too much like Gramma and it hurts so bad. I'm having a hard time even listening to myself right now because I sound too much like her. How am I going to go to her house and not see her sitting there. Her pillow smelt just like her last time I was there, her bag was on the floor exactly where she left it, her crosswords half done, reading glasses by her chair... I just can't do it. I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep. I can't believe she's gone.

I guess I'll pop in at Chris's and see if I can get a pity hair cut while I'm there. It would give me a break, which I know I'll need.

I know this is God's will and I know He has a reason, but I wish I understood and He would see fit to not make this hurt so much. I wasn't ready to lose her. I wanted her to meet my children, I wanted her to seem me graduate from college, I wanted her to be there for my first real job. It's not fucking fair. I wish God understood how much I needed her. I feel like I lost my rudder.

How am I going to get through this?

One day at a time, or so they say...

We went down to my grandfather's today and it was difficult, as imagined. Ma tried to make it as normal as possible, but it just wasn't. She ordered Chinese food from the place that we had lunch at the last time I saw her. She sat in Gramma's seat and she tried to switch me to the other side of the table, next to Steven, instead of the seat I've sat at since I was a child. I had to excuse myself; I couldn't take it.

My grandpa was talking about how they took her out in a body bag. He started crying and I had had to leave the room then, too. I sat in the spare room with the cat and cried. Poor kitty, I've cried on her so much over the last few days. I'm grateful for her, she just purrs while I'm losing it and licks my face.

I couldn't eat my lunch. I played with it till Ma told me to just put it away.

I programmed Grampa's new phone so he can call us whenever he wants. It has an emergency system, too, so he can hit a button and call all of us till someone answers. There's even a recorded message in case he has to call 911 and can't talk. We set up his new telly too. I guess we're going down next week to start cleaning out her things.

I fucking miss her so much. I don't know how I'm going to live through this... I really don't. It was so painful to be there without her.

I still can't keep anything down. I tried to eat a little dinner tonight and I yakked it right back up. We're going on 72 hours since I've been able to eat anything without getting sick. I can't believe I'm not even hungry. I ate earlier because I figured I should, but I guess I wasn't ready.

Ray called today to tell us that she'd been cremated. The ashes will be there on Tuesday or Wednesday, as well as the photo they're putting in her obituary. That will be another hard day. No one's really talked about what to do with the ashes. She wanted to be spread down Narragansset, so I guess we'll do that. I'd like to have some to keep here too, but I don't know. I know nothing anymore.

My hairdresser was amazing today. She did Gramma's hair and I guess Gramma was supposed to go in the day she passed. She fit me in today and when I went to pay, she wouldn't take my money. Her mum was my gramma's hairdresser before she started doing hair, so we've known them for years. She's been doing my hair since I was a child.

I fed the geese, too, even though it was frigid and for a minute, I could pretend everything was ok.

When is this pain going to stop? Does it ever? I just want it to go away.