Mass and Rhode Island Humour

You Know You're From Massachusetts When...

The person driving in front of you is going 70 mph and you are cursing him for going too slow.  - This happens regularly, even though the speed limit on the expressway is 60.

When ordering a tonic, you mean a Coke...not quinine water.  - I don't actually do this.

You actually enjoy driving around rotaries.  - When I was in high school, we used to do this in the Whitman one for fun. It was more legal than doing donuts.

You almost feel disappointed when someone doesn't flip you the bird when you cut them off or steal their parking space.  - Or when the meter maids in the city ticket you for being double parked as you're in process of backing into a space.

You know how to pronounce the names of towns like Worcester, Billerica, Haverhill, Barre and Cotuit. - They forgot Cohituiate.

You have driven to New Hampshire on a Sunday in order to get beer.  - I always stocked up Saturday night, but no more... That blue law is gone.

You know that there are two Bulger brothers, and that they're both crooks.  - At least Billy did something semi-useful with UMass. I still wish I had his retirement package..

You know what they sell at a packie.  - I've been in many.

You know at least one bar where you can get something to drink after last call.  - Only one?

You can actually find your way around Boston. - I damned well better. I used to be a messenger.

Evacuation Day is a recognized holiday.

You know what First Night is. -  Lots of places have this now.

You know at least one guy named Sean, Pat, Whitey, Red, Bud or Seamus. - Sean, Pat, and Bud.

You think the rest of the country owes you for Thanksgiving and Independence Day. 

You have never been to Cheers. -  I actually don't know where it is.

When the words 'WICKED' and 'GOOD' go together.

You knew that there was no chance in hell that the Pats would move to Hartford.

You have gone to at least one party at UMass.

The curse of the Bambino is taught in public schools.

You own a "Yankees Suck" shirt or hat.  - I actually don't like the Sox. This will get me killed someday.

You think Doug Flutie is the greatest athlete ever. -  I worked near his pass and Steven's met him.

You remember exactly where you were when the ball rolled through Buckner's legs. - Not this one. I was only 5.

You pray for the Red Sox to win the World Series not this season, but in your lifetime.  - Again, not a Sox fan. I think it's funny when they lose.

You know how to make a frappe.

You know that "Big Dig" is also a kind of ice cream you can get at Brigham's.

You actually know how to merge from 6 lanes of traffic down to one.  - South Shore Plaza, anyone?

You never go to "Cape Cod", you go "down the Cape".

You think that Roger Clemens, Wade Boggs and Derek Jeter are more evil than Whitey Bulger.  - Nope, again.

You went to Old Sturbridge Village, Plymouth Plantation, or both, on field trip in grammar school.  - That was from VT, though.

You're aware that there is a town, somewhere in Massachusetts, named Brimfield where they have the biggest outdoor antique market in the world.  -  I didn't know this.

You can drive to the mountains and the ocean all in one day.

You know that the Mass Pike is some sort of strange weather dividing line.

You know that P-Town isn't the name of a new rap group.

You know that Ludlow is 90% Portuguese and that Fall River is 90% Lebanese. - The Braga Bridge is still the shortest bridge between the US and Portugal. Ask Emeril.

You do not recognize the letter "R" as a part of the English language.  - I actually don't have too bad of an accent.

You've called something "wicked pissa"

You have driven to either Rhode Island, New Hampshire or Vermont for a tattoo. - Tattoo was obtained in Vermont, right before the legalised it here, I believe.

You see people like Steven Tyler (Aerosmith), Dicky Barret (The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones), Tracy Bonham, Evan Dando (The Lemonheads) and Ric Ocasek (The Cars) in the local supermarket and it doesn't phase you.  - I once talked to Steven Tyler without realising who he was. Some of the other guys used to shop in Steven's store when he worked for Babbage's.

You've slammed on your brakes to deter a tailgater  - I don't do this. Steven does. Frequently.

Know at least three Tony's, one Vinnie and a Frank(ie)

Paranoia sets in if you can't see a Dunkin Donuts, ATM or CVS within eyeshot at all times. - When I go back to Vermont and see only two Dunkies, I wonder how I survived.

You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on the floor of your car...year round

You still try to order curly fries from Burger King  -  I hadn't thought of these in years. I miss them!

You order iced coffee in January

You know what candlepin bowling is

You drive 45 minutes to New Hampshire to save $5 in sales tax

You've pulled out of a side street and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you can make a left.

You've bragged about the money you've saved at The Christmas Tree Shop

You know what a "regular" coffee is

You Know You're From Rhode Island When...

You celebrate "birt-day"

If your oldah brodah is a retad.

If you had a "wickit" good time at the beach.  - That's the RI difference: wickit vs. wicked

When you hear an amazing fact your immidiate reply is "no suh!"

You can drive two miles with out seeing a Bess Eaton

You know the difference between red, white and clear chowdah - It's not clear, it's Rhode Island chowdah.

You consider a car journey of longer than one hour a day trip.  - I've developed wicked distance phobia.

You can you curse in Italian.

You know the basic rules of DuckPin bowling.

You own garden tools from Job Lot.  -  I love Job Lot!

You have tried to drive the measured mile in less then 45 seconds.

You know what the expression "side by each" means.

You have used the expression "Not For Nuthin" or "bubbla".

You serve bread with every meal.

You know what "3 all the way" means.

You load up on milk and bread before a snowstorm.

You feel compelled to hear at least one weather report a day.  -  I get two delivered to my inbox, have a weather bug, and weather on my Yahoo! Messenger

You understand the humor of the Ocean State Follies.

You have pulled out of a sidestreet and used your car to block oncoming traffic so you could make a left-hand turn.

You consider your holiday season incomplete without a trip to Lasalette Shrine.  - I remember always going to it at Christmas time, before it burned.

You have a bottle of coffee syrup in the fridge right now.

You've phoned into a talk show on WPRO or WHJJ.

You have given a bottle of Sakonnet wine as a gift.

You've gotten sick from eating too many clam cakes.  - Jesus, yes.

You own at least one coffee table book with a picture of a lighthouse on it.

You've boasted about the money you saved at the Christmas Tree Shop.

Your first live concert was at The Civic Center or Rocky Point.  - I went to Rocky Point before it closed. If you're really Rhode Island, you know about Cresent Park and the Carousel.

You own a hat with a red "P" on it.

You were born at Lying-In Hospital.

You still call the Rhode Island Mall the Midland Mall.

You have close relatives who work for the state.

You've gone to "Legs and Eggs".  - Alas, no. But I really, really want to.

You have used a demolished landmark when giving directions.  - I do this constantly. Drives Steven nuts.

You secretly watch "Providence" even though you tell your friends you don't.

You have slammed on your breaks to discourage a tailgater.

You know what a burger "The Newport Creamery Way" is.  - There needs to be something about an Awful Awful on here.

You have dated a girl named Brenda or a guy named Vinnie.

You have used the breakdown lane on 95 to pass someone.

You've personally met Vinnie Paz.

Your idea of a dream house is a raised ranch.

You have relatives who have been to Edgehill Newport, Codac, or Butler.

You have driven more than 5 miles out of your way to save less than two bucks.  - Usually, it's under 50 cents.

You been on a RIPTA bus less than 12 times in the past 6 years.  - Ha, I've never been on one.

You can sing the Rocky Point theme song.

You know what a "governor-preferred" plate is.

You know someone who works for the Registry.

You've asked your mechanic for an inspection sticker even though your car failed to pass.

You have a degree from RIC, CCRI or URI.  - My mom was a RIC chick and my cousin went to CCRI and URI.

You think vodka and Del's is a great combination.

You've been to Twin Oaks for your birthday.

You've borrowed dealer plates from a friend.

You know how to pronounce Pawtucket, Cowesett, Usqepaug, and Narragansett.

You've been to Scarborough Beach but not Block Island.  - I've never been to Scarborough Beach. We always went to Newport.

You know where "The Pier" is located.

You've been on a Bay Queen cruise.

You can recognize a Cranston accent. - Epicentre of the dialect

You think high hair, gold chains, and gum go together.

You think there's a "v" in the name Cheryl.

You drop the "w" in Greenwich, Kingstown, and Warwick.

You use the expression "down-city" for downtown.

You've eaten at Haven Brothers.

You celebrate St. Joseph's Day and know what a "zeppolla" is.

You have at least one gallon of Newport Creamery coffee ice cream in your freezer.  - They don't sell it here. I do have coffee ice cream, though.

You know what "ProJo" stands for.

You still call CCRI "reject".

You know who Jack Comly, Sara Wye and Sherm Strickhauser are.

Your city house and your beach house are less than an hour away from each other.

You know the original name for Airport Road.

You always start giving directions by saying, "Well, you get on 95"

You know where "NiRoPe" comes from.

You know what "John from Alpert's" sounds like.

You can recite the license plates of all your family members and friends.

You know where "Harvard on the Hill" is located.

You refer to the movies as the Show.

You know what a "package store" is.

You think lots of gold jewelery looks great on the beach.

Your favorite expressions are, "Are you serious?", "Wicked", and "You know what I'm saying?"

You know you need "quahogs" to make "stuffies". - And it's pronounced qwah-hogs, not co-hogs.

You know there's a West End but not a West Providence.

You think banana, vanilla, and idea all end in "r".

You know what a burger "The Newport Creamery Way" is.

You put vinegar on your french fries.  - Malt is preferable

You've eaten at Haven Brothers, drunk.

You know what Allie's makes.

You've gone to Cumbie's for milk or gas. (HAHAHAHA Cumbie's!!)

You know that there is never any school in Fosta-Glosta when it snows.  -  Fosta-Glosta doesn't really exist, either.

The girl you ended up marrying lived no more than 6 blocks from where you grew up.

You've converted the basement of your house into an apartment.

You call spaghetti sauce, "gravy."  - I don't do this one.

You tell friends that something is "on special", instead of on sale.

The meal at every wedding you've ever attended was chicken, shells and french fries.

You put celery salt on your hot dogs.

You are never from Providence, or East Providence, but from the East Side, Rumford or Riverside  - None of these are real places technically, either. My grandparents live in Riverside.

You order an iced coffee in December.

You read the wedding announcements in the Sunday Pro-Jo and recognize at least 3 couples.  - Not this one.

The seltzer guy delivers bottles to your home on a weekly basis.

People at work wish you a "Happy St. Joseph's Day!

Your holiday season isn't complete without a trip to LaSallette Shrine.

You know someone who knew the Farrelly brothers when they lived around here.

You know exactly which parts of Dumb and Dumber, There's Something About Mary, Meet Joe Black and Amistad were filmed in RI, and you can tell someone exactly where that is.

You know what the Coffee Cup Salute is, and who does it every morning.

You grew up with everyone you see at Stop and Shop.

You know where South County is, even though it doesn’t exist.

You and everyone you know are either Italian or Irish, or both.  - One better: my family is part of the Nickersons.

You've never been farther south than Jersey, and not farther West than there, either, but are planning to move to Florida as soon as you turn 60. - I can skip this one. I don't really like Florida.