Xcelent Barfs

[devilgrrl]

Dear Cat:

Our Christmas tree has now been in the house for ten days. For the first several days, we left it up, unadorned, for the simple fact that Steven and I assumed you would be all up in its shit as you are with, well, everything.

But no. You were terrified of the scary green thing. You hissed, you clung to me, you avoided the living room like the plague. We were surprised by this, albeit pleasantly. Of course, we have no breakable ornaments, just in case.

But now that you have discovered that the giant green monster will not shoot lazars at you nor does it like to nom tender little kittens, you're interested in it. I would like to propose the following rules:

1. Do not chew the wires. There is no such thing as The Electric Cat Slide and if anyone is telling you otherwise, they're a damn liar,

2. Do not lick the ornaments. Yes, they are from IKEA and IKEA has many delicious things, but these are not some of them. The only thing they might contain is lead and, despite its symbol being Pb, it is not peanut butter nor good for you. We prefer both our gas and our cats unleaded here.

3. Stop drinking the tree's water. It is not Gourmet Water Bowl: Limited Holiday Edition. This also does not mean that you are allowed to drink from the toilet bowl, either.

4. Wrapping paper is not a cat toy. I know it's crinkly and delicious and you like to hoard it, but a) you're not a dragon and b) those presents under the tree are NOT FOR YOU. Santa is watching you, Cat, and will not bring you excellent noms if you eat what few presents I've bothered to wrap.

5. The tree is no longer living. It is unnecessary for you to chirp at it, stalk it from under the couch, or attempt to pounce on it. Tree > You.

6. Stop chewing the branches. I am tired of chasing you off. They're not good for you nor will they make excellent barfs later. Stepping in cat barf in the middle of the night is not a sign of esteem and affection.

We will all have an enjoyable season should you follow these rules. If not, there's always the Spray Bottle of Attitude Readjustment.

Comments

[judithiscariot.livejournal.com]

Dear Kitten,

My vitamins are not toys. I know, silly me, to have left them sitting out#@!$! You were perfectly justified in crawling up onto that high shelf, knocking them onto the floor (along with a passel of other shit), and playing "chase the vitamin" at midnight.

Also, the cat treat jar has a lid. You don't have opposable thumbs. You will not best the jar, please stop trying.

Love
Me

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

Goddammit is thisclose to developing thumbs, I swear. She's going to kill me soon as she figures out how to make herself the sole benefactor of our life insurance.

VITAMINS ARE BEST CAT TOYS EVER!

[tenchikoi-76.livejournal.com]

We have a fake tree. But strangely, our 3 cats have shown no interest in it this year. Not that I'm complaining.:)

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

She was terrified of it when we first got it. I mean, bushy tail, Halloween cat back, everything. Now, it's just delicious.

[vonlisbon.livejournal.com]

I'm pleasantly surprised about how little Karl even notices the tree/ornaments/etc. He wanted to sniff it when we first brought it in, then he was intrigued by the commotion when we were all standing around it putting on ornaments, but that's about it. Same with gifts. He likes the commotion of opening them, and he likes to sniff them, but he couldn't care less once he knows what they smell like.
When we had a parrot it would sit in the (sturdier) branches :D

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

Hey, at least he isn't peeing on it. Our dog that one year and it was so much Christmas magic.

[wickedshadow.livejournal.com]

I know branches can't be the most tastey item out there, but I've drank some German beer that looked as if they had chopped tree branches in them in place of barley. O_O

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

I had some really creepy banana flavoured beer at the Sam Adams tour. So not good.

Also, gin kind of tastes like Christmas and indeed, the kitten does like licking liquor bottles, so perhaps..?

[suzabelle7.livejournal.com]

when we had a cat, we had a really hard time keeping her out of the tree, until I discovered the Magic Of Cloves (and clove oil). I sliced a couple orange slices, stuck the rinds full of whole cloves, threw them on a sheet of parchment paper on a cookie sheet in the oven set at about 250 for a couple hours to dry them a little, and hung the slices in the tree. Worked like a charm!

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

That sounds like a good idea and also rather decorative. Did it smell good?

[suzabelle7.livejournal.com]

Omg, it smelled AMAZING when I was drying the slices in the oven! It was rather pleasant afterwards, but not as strong, and mostly just clove and not orange (obviously, since I'd dried the oranges out to avoid stickiness in the tree). I took to sticking cloves in oranges to recreate the orange and clove smell :)

[wishuponakate.livejournal.com]

Haha, this is too funny. But man, so I ever relate to cats f-ing sh*t up. Woo. Peace be with you, S.

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

They are weird little creatures. Seriously. I have no idea why they do what they do 90% of the time.

[joyfulchaos.livejournal.com]

lol you crack me right up.

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

You have no idea how amused I was during the day watching the cat be stupid about the tree.

[dolphinluv2783.livejournal.com]

ROFL

My cat could care less about our tree. The first couple days, he'll sit under it and look up at the tinsel, but after that he's good to go. On the other hand, my parents can't even have a tree because their cat from hell tears it apart. Last year my mom came home to find the entire thing tipped over and ornaments scattered from one end of the house to the other. Heh.

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

That's the reason we bought unbreakable ornaments this year. We broke a bunch of our vintage ornaments last year when the tree tipped and I wanted cat-proof.

[nowitsdark0.livejournal.com]

The Spray Bottle of Attitude Readjustment is a powerful tool.

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

I don't know if it would help. The kitten is cracked beyond words. I was petting her, she was purring. I put her down in front of the fridge to get her a nom, she hissed at me, then proceeded to start purring again and wind around my feet.

Cat. has. issues.

[lassie-faire.livejournal.com]

Whenever you post about your kitten I know it's going to be good. :) This one did not disappoint. :D

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're enjoying these :) Kitten is available for months of renting, if interested.

[marionettevirus.livejournal.com]

I should print this out and paste it on the wall next to the tree.
my silly kittens just cannot help but bat at the shiny things.

the spray bottle is on the table next to the tree. I mean business. (:

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

I'm tempted to retype it in LOLspeek and see if that will get through to the kitten.

[plunkybug.livejournal.com]

If the tree is no longer living, why does it have water?

In the meantime:

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

It's kind of like it's on life support. Water keeps it a little less dry/less of a fire hazard.

[plunkybug.livejournal.com]

I see.

[plunkybug.livejournal.com]

[devilgrrl.livejournal.com]

This was choice #2.

[plunkybug.livejournal.com]

Ha, ok. :)