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Still here
Today was another not so good day. I've been throwing up on and off all day and my throat is getting sore from it. Tried to eat pizza, since it was the only vaguely appetizing thing I could think of, but that wouldn't stay down either.
The house is still a mess. I ventured out twice, to BJs and for pizza, but I really wasn't up to being out in public. I felt really woozy and out of it while I was walking around and everything seemed way too loud. I just wanted to come home and hide again.
Steven and I got into an argument and the second he left, on my insistence, I picked up the phone to call Gramma. I got as far as dialing the numbers and the I realized that she'd never, ever pick up my calls again. I can't ever call her for a recipe or a quick question or just to talk and that floored me. She seriously is the most important person in my life; she's always been there for me. How do you go on when someone like that is gone?
I have the jewelry box I gave her for her birthday on my table, next to the last issue of Good Housekeeping she read. I haven't been able to ready it yet. I keep just touching the cover when I walk by or opening the box because some of her hair is still inside. Ma gave me a little container of her face powder and a earring container that she painted for her almost 20 years ago. More cat fur, more of Gramma's hair on it. I can't stop looking at it. Same with the ornaments she bought for us just a little bit ago. She got Steven and me our first "grown-up" ornament: a Lenox and crystal star. She always got those for Ma and she had just bought me what turns out to be my last granddaughter ornament. I can't believe this is the last year I'll ever have one of those from her.
We're supposed to go to Rhode Island with Ma and Bruce tomorrow. I don't know how to do this. I can't even talk to my mum on the phone right now because she sounds too much like Gramma and it hurts so bad. I'm having a hard time even listening to myself right now because I sound too much like her. How am I going to go to her house and not see her sitting there. Her pillow smelt just like her last time I was there, her bag was on the floor exactly where she left it, her crosswords half done, reading glasses by her chair... I just can't do it. I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep. I can't believe she's gone.
I guess I'll pop in at Chris's and see if I can get a pity hair cut while I'm there. It would give me a break, which I know I'll need.
I know this is God's will and I know He has a reason, but I wish I understood and He would see fit to not make this hurt so much. I wasn't ready to lose her. I wanted her to meet my children, I wanted her to seem me graduate from college, I wanted her to be there for my first real job. It's not fucking fair. I wish God understood how much I needed her. I feel like I lost my rudder.
How am I going to get through this?
The house is still a mess. I ventured out twice, to BJs and for pizza, but I really wasn't up to being out in public. I felt really woozy and out of it while I was walking around and everything seemed way too loud. I just wanted to come home and hide again.
Steven and I got into an argument and the second he left, on my insistence, I picked up the phone to call Gramma. I got as far as dialing the numbers and the I realized that she'd never, ever pick up my calls again. I can't ever call her for a recipe or a quick question or just to talk and that floored me. She seriously is the most important person in my life; she's always been there for me. How do you go on when someone like that is gone?
I have the jewelry box I gave her for her birthday on my table, next to the last issue of Good Housekeeping she read. I haven't been able to ready it yet. I keep just touching the cover when I walk by or opening the box because some of her hair is still inside. Ma gave me a little container of her face powder and a earring container that she painted for her almost 20 years ago. More cat fur, more of Gramma's hair on it. I can't stop looking at it. Same with the ornaments she bought for us just a little bit ago. She got Steven and me our first "grown-up" ornament: a Lenox and crystal star. She always got those for Ma and she had just bought me what turns out to be my last granddaughter ornament. I can't believe this is the last year I'll ever have one of those from her.
We're supposed to go to Rhode Island with Ma and Bruce tomorrow. I don't know how to do this. I can't even talk to my mum on the phone right now because she sounds too much like Gramma and it hurts so bad. I'm having a hard time even listening to myself right now because I sound too much like her. How am I going to go to her house and not see her sitting there. Her pillow smelt just like her last time I was there, her bag was on the floor exactly where she left it, her crosswords half done, reading glasses by her chair... I just can't do it. I just want to curl up in a little ball and sleep. I can't believe she's gone.
I guess I'll pop in at Chris's and see if I can get a pity hair cut while I'm there. It would give me a break, which I know I'll need.
I know this is God's will and I know He has a reason, but I wish I understood and He would see fit to not make this hurt so much. I wasn't ready to lose her. I wanted her to meet my children, I wanted her to seem me graduate from college, I wanted her to be there for my first real job. It's not fucking fair. I wish God understood how much I needed her. I feel like I lost my rudder.
How am I going to get through this?
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When my aunt died when I was in the 7th grade my friend's mom told me that God always takes his favorites first. It still pisses me off to this day.
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Thanks for the offer. I might take you up on the email.
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I am sure lots of little reminders (items, smells, feelings, sounds) will pop up for a long time. At first, clearly it's sad. But just think of those as her little ways of reminding you she's still there with you, looking over you and guiding you. Ya know? That's a beautiful thing. She had a wonderful life and clearly touched you in such a profound way. How lucky you were to have her (and she, you).
I hope your pain eases soon. I hate reading that you are going through such anguish.
*hugs*
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I love your view of death though, and a lot of my friends share it. I'm waiting to see her in a dream or to find little reminders of her. Right now, it's hard for me to even understand she's actually not there anymore.
Today is going to be hard. We're going back to the house to visit with my grampa and start cleaning out her things.
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when Dad(my stepfather) died, i was 3 months pregnant and i was unsure of how to deal with the sadness. one of the things that upset me was that Dad would never meet my child. i had told him two weeks before on Father's Day and it was the last day he was able to really talk and understand us, and he was so happy for me. after he had passed, we all sat around him and cried for a bit and talked about what we'd miss about him. when i voiced my sadness about Dad not meeting Baby, my loving sister in law who is very strong in her faith leaned over and said "but Jenne, think about it - he's with your baby right now - in that place where you are before and after being here. He's met your baby even before you did!" it may sound cheesy to some but for some reason that helped me a lot. every time i think of her comforting words to me it brings tears to my eyes.The mourning was still there and i missed his sarcastic jokes and bright smile so much. But every time i felt myself getting very distraught, i thought of Jenny's words, and the belief she has and it brought to mind this picture of Dad holding a little baby in his arms and it always made me feel better.
i know that may not be any consolation but i felt the need to share it.
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youll see her again, and im sure she is with you right now, loving you. You are always a part of her and youll take the memories with you until you can meet again.
i love you. please take care.
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