6 Months

May. 25th, 2005 04:32 pm
devilgrrl: (Default)
All's as well in my lung as it's going to be and today, I finally got the news I wanted to hear: in 6 months, I will have my last oncologist appointment. That means a clear bill of health and a return to normalacy, as much as my life has ever been normal.

I've been doing this since I was 20, when I started having the bruising problems and when the haemorrages started... when it didn't matter how much sleep I got, I was always tired... By the time I go back in November, it will be almost 3 1/2  years to the day since I got my first blood draw with abnormal results. It's going to be wierd to not have to go back anymore.

I kind of feel like I should celebrate, but I don't know how. I guess I'll think about it more after I get the all clear.
devilgrrl: (Default)
I always wanted to use "blast" in a title.

My favourite monthly migraine is back. I had a little bit of one last night, but I slept with the lavender mask and things seemed ok this morning when I woke up. No pain, no pressure... Then, right around lunchtime, I started feeling a little ache, which built and built until I decided I'd best head home before the auras started in and I couldn't drive anymore. I laid down, took two vicodin and three tylenol and it's now mostly under control. Of course, I'm pretty out of it. When Steven asked me if I thought he should have soup or cereal, I replied that cereal was crunchy and laughed hysterically about it.


Doctor's appointment was fair yesterday. My blood pressure was a little too low (100/72), my white cells are a bit high, and I'm slightly anaemic. On the other hand, my nodules only appear slightly larger, which could have something to do with the angle of the CT scan, but not enough to merit more tests. If all goes well, and things check out for the next year, I can officially do the survivor thing and not have to go every six months. Basically, I can get my clean bill of (cancer) health. Yay!

On the other hand, I am getting bundled off to the doctor tomorrow because of the low blood pressure. This means another damned missed day, but there's nothing I can do about it. They wanted me to take care of this ASAP. As it is, I'm getting squeezed in tomorrow. Ugh.

I'm going to lay back down and watch the news. They're reporting on exciting things such as what Kerry ate for lunch.
devilgrrl: (Default)
Power has just finally come back on.

12:14 // 15 October

(copied in from Notepad)

I hate MassElectric. Feeeeeeeerrrrrrvently. When I went to bed last night, everything was fine. When Steven woke me up this morning, the first thing out of his mouth was "I have good news and bad news." Evidently, there was an electrical fire/faulty wire/stupid person playing electrican somewhere in the complex last night which resulted in a ground fault. I guess we're kind of lucky, where we are. Our apartment straddles the line between complete power outage and normal power. Unfortunately, the lack of power has effected both our refrigerator and our stove. Nothing else in the kitchen, of course, only the important things. If I want a cup of tea, I am going to have to nuke it. Christ. So far, we've lost a gallon of milk, a full package of bacon, my pumpkin puree, and a half gallon of ice cream. I've got to get around to calling the super and asking if I can deduct the cost of things I have to replace from my rent this month. I somehow doubt it, but it's worth a try.

Of course, when I talked to the MassElectric this morning, they told me someone had to be here, just in case. I have been home, not showering in case someone was going to knock, since 7:30. I am not happy. They disappeared about an hour ago. Still no fucking electricity. Wait, looks like a couple of them are back. I just heard another tenant outside reaming one of them about how she's had to call in to work and there's been no reason for her to be here. That would be me, if I were outside. I am so not in a good mood. This week has been such complete shit.

Speaking of crappy, I have my 6 month at the end of the month. Ironically enough, I'm going to find out the status of my lungs on All Souls Day. My CT scan falls on my friend Jooly's birthday. I'm edgy about going in light of how I've felt recently. I've been insanely tired (might be from insomnia), I've been getting nosebleeds, I've found a few ugly little bruises in odd spots, and I have a couple little wounds that simply refuse to heal. I don't want to go and hear that my nodules have gotten bigger. It's been a year and a half of check ups and so far, so good. If this one goes well, only three more years.

I need a shower wicked bad. I'm guessing I could sneak in a quick one without anyone coming to the door.

Here's Laura's survey. Yay!

SECTION 1: (You)

* Your name: Samantha
* Your gender: female
* Age: 23
* Height: 5'3
* Hair color/style: strawberry blonde darkening to winter auburn, curly and longish
* Eye color: hazel
* Marital status: SO
* Your location: Weymouth
* Talents: no gag reflex, double jointed, singing
* Fears: I have a few

SECTION 2: (Have you ever...?)

* Peed your pants: I was a hideous child to potty train
* Cheated on someone?: yep
* Fallen off the bed?: yes
* Fallen for a relative?: My relatives are all too scary
* Had plastic surgery?: with these knockers, eventually. Especially if I lose weight and they stay the same size.
* Broke someone's heart?: probably
* Had your heart broken?: nope
* Had a dream come true: yep
* Done something you regret?: who hasn't?
* Cheated on a test?: no
* Been raped?: I'm going with Laura. What kind of question is that?
* Broken a body part?: yes

SECTION 3: (Whatcha doin' now?)

* Wearing: my black satin PJs and hot pink and silver knickers
* Listening to: news
* Chewing: nothing
* Feeling: pissy
* Reading: journals
* Located: my living room
* Chatting with: Laura
* Watching: TV news
* Should REALLY be: I'd be home at this time anyway.

SECTION 4: (Do you...?)

* Brush your teeth?: Yep
* Like anybody?: depends on the day
* Have any piercings?: 7
* Drive? yes
* Believe in Santa Claus?: of course, we're tight. At least, that's what I tell my stepson.
* Ever get off the computer?: yep

SECTION 5: (Friends...?)

* Who is your best?: Dawn
* Who is the loudest?: they're all kind of quiet
* Who is the shyest?: Joy
* Who is the 'hottest'?: me!
* Who is the cutest?: me, damnit!
* Who laughs the most?: not sure
* Who have you known the longest?: Dawn
* Who have you known the shortest?: most of the people I met through Steven
* Do you belong to a crew?: no
* Do you hang out with the opposite sex?: yes
* Do you consider yourself POPULAR?: hell, yea
* Do you trust your friends?: generally
* Are you a good friend?: I guess
* Can you keep a secret?: yes

SECTION 6: (The last person you...?)

* Hugged online: Steven
* IMed: Laura
* Talked to on the phone: my mom
* Yelled at: Steven
* Tripped: myself
* Turned down: no one. I'm weakwilled.

SECTION 7: (Personal)

* What do you want to be when you grow up?: I'm going to teach
* What was the worst day of your life?: birth?
* What is your most embarrassing story?: There are loads.
* What has been the best day of your life?: Let's see.. Not married, no kids... According to society, I haven't had any good days yet.
* What comes first in your life?: showering
* Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush?: yes

* If you had an extra set of eyes where would you put them?: back of my head
* What do you usually think about before you go to bed?: why can't I fall asleep.

SECTION 8: (Favorite...?)

* Movie:
* Song:
* Group:
* Store:
* Relative: my grandparents
* Sport: baseball or hockey
* Vacation spot: Europe
* Ice cream flavor: peppermint stick
* Fruit: pomegranates
* Candy:
* Holiday: Halloween
* Day of the week: Friday
* Colour: violet
* Magazine: Playboy
* Name for a girl: Calico
* Name for a boy: Talisin

SECTION 9: (Do you...?)

* Like to give hugs?: no, but lots of people hug me.
* Like to walk in the rain?: if it's warm.
* Sleep with or without clothes on?: naked
* Prefer black or blue pens?: blue
* Dress up on halloween?: Yes
* Have a job?: no
* Like to travel?: yes
* Like someone?: yes
* Sleep on your side, tummy or back?: Side. I wheeze on my back.
* Think you're attractive?: I guess sometimes
* Want to marry?: in a couple years. LAURA! I'll marry you and we can both have super pretty dresses!
* Have a goldfish?: Nope. A pleco named Ugly and a fat little baby molly
* Ever have the falling dream?: yes
* Have stuffed animals?: not really
* Go on vacation?: not recently

SECTION 10: (What do you think about...?)

* Abortion: Should be up to the person having it.
* Bill Clinton: is highly amusing
* Eating disorders: meh
* Suicide: Meh
* Summer: I love summer
* Tattoos: I like them
* Piercings: "
* Make-up: is ok sparingly
* Drinking: socially
* Guys: have penisies (penii?)
* Girls: don't.

SECTION 11: (This or that?)

* Pierced nose or tongue?: nose
* Be serious or funny?: serious
* Single or taken?: taken
* Simple or complicated?: I wish things were simple.
* Law or anarchy?: law
* MTV or BET?: M2
* 7th heaven or dawson's creek?: nope
* Sugar or salt?: saaaaaaalt
* Silver or gold?: Silver
* Tongue or belly button ring?: nose
* Chocolate or flowers?: flowers
* Angels or miracles?: miracles
* Colour or black-and-white photos?: B/W
* Sunrise or sunset?: Sunset
* M&M's or Skittles?: skittles
* Rap or rock?: Rock
* Stay up late or sleep in?: both..?
* TV or radio?: depends
* Hot or cold?: comfortable
* Taller members of the opposite sex or shorter?: Taller than me
* Sun or moon?: Moon
* Diamond or ruby?: ruby
* Left or right?: either
* 10 acquaintances or one best friend?: Best Friend
* Vanilla or chocolate?: chocolate
* Kids or no kids?: kids
* Cat or dog?: Both!!
* Half-empty or half-full?: Both
* Mustard or ketchup?: Ketchup
* Newspaper or magazine?: Newspaper
* Give or receive?: give
* Rain or snow?: Rain
* Lace or satin?: satin
* A year of hot sex or a lifetime of friendship?: Friendship
* Happy or sad?: happy
* Corduroy or plaid?: Plaid!
* Wonder or amazement?: wonder
* Sneakers or sandals?: Sandals
* McDonald's or Burger King?: WENDYS
* Mexican or italian food?: mexican
* Lights on or off? on
* Duct tape or scotch tape?: Duct, always
* Candy or pop?: soda
* A house in the woods or the city?: city
* Pepsi or coke?: pepsi
* Nike or adidas?: Skechers

SECTION 12: (Other questions...)

* Do you go to church?: sometimes
* Do you like church?: eh.
* Why or why not?: it's quiet.
* What's your favorite kind of tree?: cherry
* Out of all your friends, who has the coolest house?: Sam R.
devilgrrl: (Default)
Still not feeling well. We went to the first playoff home game and, despite making things really tense, they won 3 to 1. If they win tomorrow night, they win the Southern Division and go on to face North Shore Spirit with home field advantage. Yay for being the wildcard. Anyhow, we have a game tomorrow at 5:05 and I'm hoping that I feel better than I did today.I felt awful today. Most of the game, I felt dizzy, lightheaded, and disoriented, not to mention nauseous. Steven said that I was incredibly irritable, as well. My heart kept fucking up while I was there, which made me really catch my breath a couple of times.

I'm very stressed about my meeting with the Dean of Students on Monday. I always feel like I'm blowing things out of proportion, even though I know I'm not. The teacher does single me out and is not nice about it. I feel like I'm in junior high when I'm in that class. It's so incredibly frustrating to be in this class from the Classical Archaeology that I took at UMass last semester. Makes me want to scream. I want Monday to be over.

The cat has curled up and is out like a light on my bed.. He's alternating between my bed and my chair, but I've just put my electric blanket on, so the bed is far more choice.

Steven's meeting me later tomorrow because I have an assload of homework I should do. It's mostly reading and a one paragraph paper on some poem of Wordsworth's. Shouldn't be that bad, just dull. Soc should be at least interesting. The guy teaches at UMass and had seen me around/heard of me from Lester, which bodes well on my end.

There is no French Homework. I have no book and am waiting for it to have come in. I have it prepaid, though, so whenever it shows up, I can just run in and grab it. French will be fine, but (again) dull. I've got the grudging respect of my prof., as I know all sorts of neat things, like how much French wine consumption was up this year, despite the war (+0.2%), that Maison Robert is off School Street and this is it's last season, and that this is the earliest wine harvest since the 1800s and is expected to produce one of the best vintages since the 40s. As long as she leaves me to my own devices.

No word back on my bloodwork or my job search. It'll be wierd to not file my unemployment tomorrow. I've been doing it for the last 9 months. I'm going to miss that regular cheque. I'm getting very nervous about not finding a job. I need to hit some restaurants to apply for hostessing spots. The big thing is that I don't want to work more than 20 hours a week right now. I need to get good grades, which means I need more time to do work. I can't end up doing what I was at Country Marketplace. The week my huge-ass term paper was do, I was scheduled to work an assload of hours and I told my boss that I needed the days that Meg was working to do my paper. Meg, in her thoughtful fashion, flaked and asked me to cover and I told her no. She ended up not coming in on the day that she has asked me to work and I had already told her I couldn't. She closed the store, I got in an assload of trouble.

I also got yelled at for doing my Soc midterm there. I was stuck working a night that Meg was supposed to and I had to have the midterm done for the next class, so voilá. I did the midterm at the desk. I don't think I can do that with the GAP.

Bleh.. I need to finish my cherry coke (yay, hiccups cure!) and get some sleep. Ambien makes me groggy.
devilgrrl: (Default)
The bloodwork went. I bawled and hyperventilated the whole time and they took like 12oz. of blood for 9 million tests. I have to go back the 11th. for another CT scan, but no contrast dye this time. At least I can handle having a CT scan. Hopefully, I won't have to have anymore sticks. I hate giving.

Seriously, I was upset enough to want to sit on Steven's lap this morning and I never want to do that. I've been super touchy all day, though, because I've felt gross. I slept most of the day in the car, except when we stopped for lunch. That's not unusual for me, though, after having blood draws.

I have an interview in Kingston at the Limited tomorrow. I'm very eh about it. I don't want to drive that far, especially heading into the Holiday Season. I don't have the luxury of saying no, however. I need something, even if I keep looking. All my interview clothes are set; I just need to go to bed.

This ambien is making it hard to type anything. More tomorrow about how my home improvement projects are going.
devilgrrl: (Default)
I am feeling so incredibly antsy. I just got off the phone with Steven, who is going to come a little later than expected, since he had a rough night and overslept a little. He still has to run his couple of errands before he's coming over to take me to have blood drawn. I don't want to have blood drawn. He's going to call me when he leaves his appointment so I can slather EMLA on and take an ativan so I'm not a total basketcase.

I'm strongly considering disappearing. No Samantha = no bloodwork, right?

I can't even find anything else to entertain me online. I read the news, I read Dear Abby, and I've checked my email. I so rarely get anything useful in my inbox.

I don't know why I have an email account on this page. No one really ever reads it, except for me, anyhow. I just checked the account and no one's emailed it. Surprise!

I'm going to Google my site and see if I have any new linkers or something, as well as try not to think about having blood drawn later.
devilgrrl: (Default)
I should go to bed. I just took the ambien and am just killing time until it kicks in. That and I'm half-ass watching Food TV on school lunches. I can't believe it's almost September. In fact, a week from tomorrow is Labour Day.

Tomorrow is going to suck. I need to call the lady from The Limited back to let her know that I do, indeed, want to schedule and interview for the time being, even though the job is in Kingston and I do not want to drive that far; I need to call Massasoit and make sure that my financial aid stuff has gone through and, if it has, register for classes and I'm having more bloodwork in the morning. Yay for me. I hate having bloodwork. Steven's going to call me around 9 so I have time to get up, shower, take an ativan, and put my EMLA on before I go to the lab. Yay for fucking cancer tests.

Our fish, Caesar, is still living despite the odds of having spent $14.14 on medicine, new rocks, and a new filter for him yesterday, when he was literally on Death's door. He's looking better now; I guess the meds we bought for him really do a number on whatever he has when you catch it in time. I just feel really guilty that I couldn't catch it in time to save Uncle Creepy. I felt so bad yesterday when we found him dead...

We ended up getting to the game in the bottom of the 7th. They won 11-5, which they really needed, since they're in the middle of a penant race. I think they're tied for second in the league right now and a game or so behind Quebec, who are the league leaders right now. They're also first in the wild card race, if it comes to that. If they make the playoffs, we're going to have to find a way to get the money to see a couple games of the series. I'd love to see Brockton get a championship. They've played incredibly well this year.

New monitor makes funny buzzing sounds I'm not used to. It's kind of freaky.

No game tomorrow night. I think I'm going to work on my refinishing projects and maybe pull apart the fan and clean it because it's filthy. I'm considering hosing it down like I did the blind today. Seemed to work pretty well. If not, I'll clean it the old fashioned, elbow grease way. I think we're going to try (read: I'm going to start, get frustrated, and Steven, because he's a sweetheart, will end up doing it for me before I break something.) to put the DVD player/home theatre up. This is the same thing that happened yesterday with the TV stand. I got frustrated and he offered. He also vaccuumed for me yesterday as well. I could not have gotten all the work done without him.

Hopefully tomorrow is not a frustrating day. Maybe a trip to the maket and the fabric store, then some more refinishing. I think that will be my new hobby: refinishing things for my new room. I need to get picture hangers so I can put up my awesome silk embroidered chinese ...painting... I guess. I just don't know where to put it.

I do, however, have my little maneki neko back in my room in a promient place. Hopefully, she will bring me the good luck I need. I'd really like to get one of the big ones from Chinatown next time we go in. I think they're amazing good luck charms. Steven took my to this place called the Silky Way. I'm so in love with it.. I want to go back so badly. Well, when I have cash to buy things for the room.

Things I Still Need For Room:

material for curains

prints and frames to decorate walls

a bigger/more traditional maneki neko

dry erase/cork board

stuff to make shelves

That's all I can think of for now. I totally need sleep. I cannot type anymore.
devilgrrl: (Default)
Not in a good mood. I'm two glasses of wine, one beer, an ativan, and an ambien into the rest of the night and I'm still horribly depressed. Went to the game tonight; did not enjoy the game in the least. I felt like I was watching a movie of someone else watching a game.

Went to my third successive oncologist today. I actually like this guy and he spent an hour going over symptoms and such with me, rather than Dr. Mei, who was all CANCER CANCER CANCER and Dr. Miller who totally ruled it out before any tests. This guy was concerned about my recent cough, as well as the shortness of breath (and I know I'm not that out of shape that I should get winded talking or walking up some stairs), but was not totally ready to hand me down the sentence of the big C. Lung cancer is unusual at 22, but not unheard of and he felt he'd rather totally rule it out than leave anything to chance.

I have to have more blood draws on Monday, as well as the therapist appointment and I need to call stupid, fucking Massasoit to see if my appeal got through and I can register for classes or what. More depression shit.

I swear to god, I'm moving to Rhode Island as soon as I can get a job and a place.

Still depressed, still miserable.. I still feel like I'm going to cry again.

Tomorrow should be just as good. We're cleaning the room and draining and moving the waterbed so I can finally have a little change from the way it looked when my ex still lived here. That, and the mess is making me stir-fucking-crazy. I hate living in a mess, but I'm too depressed to clean. Perfect Catch-22.

I'm going to go now and hope that, by the grace of god, I don't bother waking up tomorrow. I don't want to clean.


Jan. 16th, 2003 01:31 am
devilgrrl: (Default)
Having a completely shit night. I haven't been feeling well recently and last night, I found a new bruise on the inside of my thigh. Today, I had another one start to come up on the inside of my other leg, in a different place. I've been coughing more and more, so hard I threw up today at work, after trying to clean the bathroom. I've been getting nosebleeds, as well as coughing up blood, too. I'm scared shitless.

Why is it that nothing every goes as planned? I was supposed to be all better when Dr. Mei saw me in November. She said that there was "nothing to worry about" and I was fine, nothing further needed to be pursued. Why don't I feel well then? Why am I still losing weight and bruising so easily? Why am I getting shooting pains in my chest? I want to be all better. I'm sick of getting chills, then sweating and back again. I'm scared that this is going to spread throughout my chest and kill me. I'm scared of more needles, more blood work, more tests, more hospitals... of dying alone in a cold, sterile room with no one there. I just want to be well and to never see a doctor again. Instead, I feel worse and worse.

I hate fucking crying, but I have this huge lump in my throat from not. I never really cried over the cancer thing. I've just been internalizing it, letting it eat me away inside, and dealing with everything but.. It's hard to do that when you're alone and all the monsters come out for you.

So much for sleep tonight... And Steve wonders why I look like hell all the time.
devilgrrl: (Default)
I've not much felt like updating. I had the follow up on Tuesday... Still nothing. It appears my nodule is too small to get an adequate reading on. For now, I guess, they just want to watch it and see if it grows. Basically, this means I get to plan the next two years of my life out in six month increments. Yay. On the other hand, they'll get an early peek when I get bronchitis this winter; Dr. Mei wants to see any chest x-rays I get.

I haven't gotten my last cheque from Lids yet. I'm going to have to check first thing in the morning. I damn well better get my last cheque.

Anyhow... Big things happen tomorrow. It's nothing I can write about yet, but if you really want to know, call me and I'll fill you in.

Oh, rock and roll, Steve won the turkey money from bowling tonight. He was pretty psyched. Who would turn down a free twenty-five bucks?
devilgrrl: (Default)
Having a pissy night... I've been in a funk all day. I couldn't sleep this morning, didn't feel like cleaning, didn't want to be home, went to the mall with Matt; decided I didn't want to be there either, came home, caught up with Steve who needed me to burn one programme or another to disk. He hauled my ass out of the house for a little while to watch the Patriots vs. Raiders game at his parents.

We mutually depressed each other. It was grand.

He told his wife he wanted them to get counseling. I guess she agreed. He's not handling it well. I don't know how I would handle it if I were in his shoes.. Marriage counseling is the last ditch effort and it usually spells divorce. I don't know a lot of couples who come out of counseling with a viable relationship. I don't necessarily think that it helps, more that it adds finality and closure, as well as eases the mind with the knowledge that all options have been suitably exhausted. I hope that things will work out for him, nonetheless. It's not fun to watch your friends suffer, regardless.

I'm getting anxious about Tuesday. I've been having a hard time sleeping, as well as a lot of very vivid dreams. My mind must be working overtime. I had one calming dream about Paris, the other night. It's funny; I think about it now and it's so clear that it's like a memory. I literally felt like I was there. I keep retreating back to that when I reach overload. It's been one of the only bright points in the last week.

I've hit a real low point recently. I don't know if it's the transition from autumn to winter, from losing my job, from the cancer thing, or just general malaise. My head hurts, I'm exhuasted but can't sleep, I don't want to talk to anyone, but don't want to be alone, either.

I should go to bed, but I know I won't sleep, either. Steve said he'd call tomorrow. He's the only person not driving me insane right now. Actually, he's the only person I don't want to kill after five minutes right now... I guess misery really does love company. Everyone else is either denying any potential illness or expecting me to just deal and be upbeat or to be suicidally depressed. I'm just existing. I haven't dealt with anything yet, nor do I want to until after Tuesday.

God, I ramble.

All right, should sleep... Maybe make another 711 run with Matt.. Who knows.


Nov. 14th, 2002 10:00 am
devilgrrl: (Default)
I hate being stuck in limbo.

Everything finally came to blows yesterday at work. Tracy fired Steve and I threw my keys at her. I don't know if that counts as being fired or quitting, but I told her to fuck herself and that she was a miserable cunt. I'm still getting over the fact that I'm not employed there anymore. I hated the commute, I hated the stress and her, but I liked working with Steve and I liked that it kept me busy. Now I don't have that. It's upsetting that we worked so hard on that store and she can come in and take it all away like that. It makes me feel sick. Steve's relieved by it; I'm ambiguous. I'm going to miss the kids like crazy. We talked to John last night and he sounded like he was almost in tears when I was thanking him for sticking with us. Both Steve and I were offered additional jobs in the mall before we left, but it's too far away. It's nice to know, at least, that people will miss us and our insanity.

I, on the other hand, now have to deal with everything I've been avoiding since I took the job. I finally broke down on the way home, after the long walk Steve and I took. I usually hate crying, too, especially in front of people, but evidently, Steve doesn't mind.

I'm really scared shitless about this cancer thing. I've been joking about it, showing off my cancer card and all, but it's more because I can't handle the reality that I very well may have something serious and frightening. I told Steve last night that I'm scared of knowing, scared of not knowing, scared of the future, and scared of the treatments that sometimes seem worse than the disease. I'm 21, for christ's sake, not 80. I should be living it up, hanging out with friends and being a college kid, not going to the Dana Farber for scans that most people have never heard of.

Steve just called. He's coming to abduct me in a bit. I need to shower and get dressed.
devilgrrl: (Default)
The PET scan wasn't as bad as I anticipated yesterday. The nuclear tech and the head nurse were very good about telling me how everything would feel and what they were doing when, so I actually managed not to completely lose it.

On the other hand, Steve looked and passed out. They jokingly said that next time, they would get us two gurneys so we could both lie down.

The actual scanning took forever. They scanned from the top of my eyebrows to my mid-thigh, in sections that each took ten minutes. At least after the first twenty, I could kind of look around and talk to Steve, who they let stay in the doorway. I get to swing back by today to drop off my CT scans, which I had forgotten.

This further reminds me. I got my cancer card yesterday. I am now an official, card carrying patient of the Dana Farber. Evidently, I get mad discounts on parking and stuff. Yay.

I have another week of waiting before I'll know anything. Bah.

Work again this afternoon. Steve and I both managed to totally eke out yesterday off, but, as always, there was some sort of catastrophe caused by fucking Stewart. He claimed that the cash drawer was $80 short and, instead of calling John, who closed the night before, or Steve who is the, you know, manager, he called LP and Tracy, who blames John for everything.

Well, Steve just called to let me know he's picking me up earlier than anticipated. I need to shower.

PET Scan

Nov. 12th, 2002 12:25 am
devilgrrl: (Default)
T minus 14 hours until I'm headed to the Dana Farber for my PET scan. I finally got some straight answers from my liason at DFCI and I've been going back and forth between being relieved that I know and scared shitless.

Basically, the nodule has a 40% to 60% chance of being malignant. I used to smoke cigs, as well as pot, so that ups my chances somewhat. The PET scan might not pick up anything because the nodule is under a centimeter; if that happens, I can basically expect to go for a CT or a PET scan every three to six months to monitor it.

Steve asked me today at work what we were going to do if it was malignant. I told him I didn't know; I'm not crossing that bridge yet.

Matt's 21st. came and went. I had the day off, we had a nice dinner at the Abington Ale House. I had my bananas madness. I got him two CDs and a video game; my mom gave him $21. I also bumped into Jooly at the Kingston Mall. I haven't seen her in forever. She looked great. She gave me her phone number and we're eventually going to get in touch, probably after the whole cancer thing blows over.

Work still sucks. The cunt called today and was needling Steve about something. Stewart called in, again, today. There's nothing I like more than working Charity Night till 11 and then getting up to open the next morning. How great can my life get!? At least we got a chance to eat a decent dinner at Friday's in the hour that the mall was closed. We grabbed indian food tonight because the mall was a zoo to the point where we couldn't manage lunch.

I just hit my wall. Must sleep.
devilgrrl: (Default)
Ugh... I finally have a morning off for the first time in a week. I managed to work 75+ hours because the drug dealer that Tracy refuses to fire called in for the whole week. Steve can't necessarily work mornings because of Elliott, so that leaves me working doubles every fucking day. At least my paycheque will be good this Friday.

Halloween was a fucking zoo. I dressed up as a Catholic schoolgirl and Steve dressed up as Neo from The Matrix. I'll eventually develop the roll of film it's on and scan the pictures in. I'm so cool.

I need to shower. We have to head in for a couple hours today since the regional is coming in sometime next week. I'm really hoping it's not one of the days that I'm going to be working a double on (>_<). Tracy was already in on two of my double days and somewhat bitched that I was out of dress code. I'll start being in dress code when I get a damn day off. She hasn't lifted a finger in the store other than to mess things up this week.

Matt's birthday is next Saturday, so I'm guaranteed one day off. Steve was mentioning that we might be able to eke out Thursday off, as well. He has bowling and I just fucking need some time off. I also know that I am definitely taking off the 12th. because of my 2:30 PET scan and the 23rd. to go and see my sister. (I'm adding this in because theoretically, now I'll remember to tell Steve about this.)

It's only snowed once so far, but it's been damn cold. I'm not used to leaving the mall in 30 degree weather yet. They already have all the Christmas decorations up in the mall. At least they waited until after Halloween, though not by much.

I think I want cocoa.
devilgrrl: (Default)
I've been having a fuck of a couple of weeks. I had my CT scan done the 16th., which went very, very poorly. They shuffled Steve out of the room when they were going to put my IV line in and I, in my mostly sedated state, panicked and started crying and whimpering. They also didn't warn me before they put the contrast dye in (it burns and makes you feel like you're peeing yourself) and I tweaked. Evidently, I could be heard screaming all the way down the hall. They gave Steve a sticker for me, though, despite how badly I behaved. Yay!

I had six more vials of blood taken on Friday, which was not a lot of fun, either, though I was good for that. I was out of it to the point that I just asked if they were done a couple times. I did pass out on the way out, on crutches. I got free juice out of that misadventure.

Anyhow, the good news is that my WBC is leveling off; my platelets are still high. My oncologist wants some other kind blood test done involving those. I need to schedule an early morning appointment so the blood can be couriered into Boston.

Unfortunately, the bad news is that the CT scanned turned up a 7mm solitary pulmonary nodule on, I think, my left lung. This is what came back when I searched for the lung thing.

Because I'm tired, this is the next test I'm having done on Nov. 12th., at the Dana Farber Cancer Institute.

I'm going to try and update more. Potentially, I want to scan my CT scans and post them here. Email me if you know whether or not that would hurt the xrays.
devilgrrl: (Default)
I've decided that everything completely and utterly sucks. I had my oncology consult yesterday, which went remarkably badly, as far as my behaviour is concerned.

They waited a little on the long side to take me in and draw more blood, so the emla cream that I had on started to wear off a litte and I could feel the needle in my arm while they were taking blood. I was sobbing and howling, which made Steve upset and prompted him to look to see how close they were to being done with the siphoning which made him dizzy and woozy. Not good. They had to get him a glass of water and I had to lay down for the better part of 45 minutes and I still was lightheaded.

I'm going to do the news in stages. On the bright side, my WBC and platelets have come down a little from where they were before. They're now not more than 10% above what they should be. The bad news is that they're still high, I did lose a lot of weight, I still have no appetite, and I'm still bruising pretty badly. Dr. Mei, the woman I saw, had me schedule an appointment for a CT scan of my chest, abdominal, and pelvic regions and another appointment to have more blood taken to see what's going on. She's also rerunning every test that my doctor did to double check their accuracy. Thankfully, they took six vials yesterday and have enought to do what they need to.

My right arm is bruised to hell. I don't know where I got these, but I noticed them tonight at work. My fucking cunt DM called, as well, and gave me the whole "the whole team is here for you and we're rooting for you" shit, after I rendered her speechless when I told her what was up. Funny, she wanted off the phone pretty quickly after that. I can't imagine why... Stupid whore.

I need sleep. I feel sick and Steve is going to be here early in the morning to get me for work. I don't want to be home anymore than I have to now. I just want to be busy.
devilgrrl: (Default)
So, woohoo, I finally had the energy to bake a pie. Steve brought me home a peck of apples from Maine which he ended up paying like $7 for. I feel wicked bad that he paid that much for the apples; I usually pay under $3 for that many. Anyhow, so I made them into pie tonight. It's cooling on the stove right now. I anticipate having a piece for lunch tomorrow afternoon, after I drop Matt off at work.

Work went today. The new employee, John, is a good kid. I'm more than happy that he works without really being told what to do and doesn't really complain about the shit jobs (ie. fanfolding) that I leave for him while I do the big things. I'm there again tomorrow night, with Steve, and I'm kind of off on Tuesday. I'm starting to get really nervous about the doctor's appointment; I don't want to go. I want to put my head in a hole and pretend that everything is ok.

When did my life start rotating about my being unwell? Ugh...

As a side note, never use Nair on the same place two days in a row. I have a bit of a rash now, but I think the Benedryl will cure this. (>_<)

I'm tired again. I need to put foil over my pie and get some sleep. 8am seems to come earlier every day.

Wish me luck for Tuesday, if I don't update before then. I need all the moral support I can get.
devilgrrl: (Default)
I'm so tired. I just got home from work about half an hour ago and I'm due back in the morning by 10:30. Yuck. I've been there every day since last Saturday and it looks like next week is going to be shaping up the same way.

I'm going to donate more blood on Tuesday. I've been dwelling a lot more on the eventuality of the appointment, especially with it being in just a couple days. I've been really cranky because of it. The anxiety about it is killing what meagre appetite I had, plus I've been throwing up pretty much everything I eat because I'm so stressed out. I keep getting nasty acid reflux, too. I can feel it burning the back of my throat now, as a matter of fact. Gross.

I treated myself to an Urban Decay lipstain, as well as a Hustler shirt because if this. The lipstain is awesome. It seriously does not budge, at all. I slept with it on last night and my lips were still red in the morning. I definitely consider it worth the $17 it cost me. I'm also treating myself to a couple new bras this week as soon as I can get over to Emerald Square Mall. Stupid big effing breasts. I want to be able to try the bras on, since I can go either a 36DD or an 34F, depending on the cut of the bra and whether or not it has pads in the bottoms. I wish that there was a Frederick's closer than Emerald Square.

I'm planning on baking a pie at some point this week. I think Steve is bringing me home some apples in addition to the apples Matt and I bought last week when we were up to see Dawn, Mike, and the baby, who has become enormous. Dawn was saying that he's 26 lbs. now, which is bigger than Elliott. Brendan is huge for a 9 month old baby. He's totally crawling on everything, too. I need to get up there more often to see him. I just wish it wasn't so far away or so tiring. I came back dead tired last Saturday night.

I'm dying. I totally need to go to bed and get a good amount of sleep before all the damn work I have to do tomorrow.
devilgrrl: (Default)
I haven't felt much like writing lately. I've had too much to do and not a hell of a lot of energy to do it with. I finally got back to the doctor's last... Wednesday... I think. I had to wait around for fifty minutes to get a two minute consultation and a referral.

Some old woman told Steve and me that we were not fit to be parents because we were playing with Elliott on the floor. What else are you suppose to do with a toddler? Try and make him sit still?

Basically what this all boils down is my platelets are really high and they don't know why. My white blood cell count is kind of high, too, but they're not as worried about that. I've been referred to an haemotologist-oncologist for more bloodwork. My appointment is the 24th. of September, which is, evidently, the best that they can do for me. I now have a month to worry about what's wrong with my blood and a month to be paranoid that this is something deadly, like cancer.

I guess there's fair potential that this is one of the symptoms of some kind of leukemia. They already ruled out any kind of anaemia. I'm still bruising easily and I get tired and frustrated way too easily. I've been taking naps with more frequency, too, which is something that I never do. Anyone who knows me knows that I never take naps and I can function well on very little sleep. Maybe I'm just getting old?

I think that Matt is taking this a lot worse than I am. He's convinced I'm going to die or something. I told him I would take out a huge life insurance policy if I thought I was going to.

Work is going fairly well. I've been there a lot lately, since I find myself less likely to dwell on what might be if I'm busy. Tracy continues to be a cunt and has been hindering us every step of the way at the store. We have to do something with the visors, but other than that, the store looks pretty damn good, if you ask me.

Blah. I had to somewhat bail Steve out tonight. I guess somewhere within the chaos of the move, he neglected to reregister his car and was informed when he was pulled over tonight that he couldn't drive it anymore. It's somewhere in Abington right now, waiting for him to bail it out tomorrow. He ended up calling me to pick him up and give him a ride to his parents' house. It's been a fairly exciting day.

I also went to Ames with Mom and picked up stuff for school and some bed linens at discount, since Ames is going out by September. All I need now is to register for classes and get everything else out of the way. Woo.

I've been up way too long today. Maybe I'll be able to update more in the coming weeks.


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The Herald of the Apocolypse

May 2009

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